I've almost given up on the members of the Saturday Night Live writing staff. Rumor has it they were spotted at a summer retreat spot where they were being briefed on Republican policy initiatives and how to make jokes about them. They may be beyond hope. Maybe we can start up some kind of alternative outlet.
Call me if you want to produce some counter-liberal stuff. We need to collborate.
-- Austin Speed
Chapter Eight
THREAT MATRIX
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”
- Ronald Reagan
“Sssssnnn Rrrrrddddd,” the intercom crackled, “Nnnnnrrrr ppppppdddddd nnndd ssssss rrrrrgggggnn.”
“Mr. President,” Axelrod said, “it sounds like Secretary Napolitano is on the phone. I believe she said it was urgent.”
“Okay, put her through,” Obama said.
Janet Napolitano’s voice came over the speaker phone, “Mr. President, I'm sorry to interrupt, but my people have called an urgent matter to my attention.”
“What's that, Madam...uh... Secretary Napolitano?” Obama asked.
“Am I on speaker phone, sir?”
“Oh, yes you are. Bill Daley, Joe Biden, David Axelrod, and Eric Holder are here.”
“I see,” Napolitano said. “Well, gentlemen, as some of you know we've engaged with the University of Illinois Center for Terrorism Studies to evaluate the threat profile of every possible group or major public figure or leader in the world. They've compiled the largest database of this information anywhere and have conducted extensive modeling and analysis.”
“And what they turned up?” Obama asked.
“Well, as you know, Mr. President, there are a number of significant threats external to the United States that are well known – terrorist networks, rogue regimes, narco-terrorist cartels, organized international crime. However, the biggest threat to the stability of our country and our government is within. It is among our very own domestic dissident elements. The biggest threats, according to the Center’s analysis, are talk radio and Fox News.”
“Wait, wait,” Obama said. “What about the Iranians with nukes, Secretary Napolitano? What about North Korea, the Russians, radical Muslims, the Cubans, South America, Somalia? What are they really saying?”
“What they’re saying, Mr. President, is that Hugh Hewitt, Michael Medved, Roger Hedgecock, Dennis Prager, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly are bigger, more potent threats. They have the power to incite significant domestic resistance.”
“Resistance?” Obama asked. “Resistance to what?”
“Resistance, Mr. President,” Napolitano said. “Resistance to everything that needs to be done. Resistance to abortion rights, the NGLTB agenda, gays in the military, reparations, nationalized health care, public transportation initiatives like high-speed rail, reduced executive compensation, unionization, Cap and Trade taxation...you name it.”
“Secretary Napolitano, is the Center recommending that we go to war with these people?” Obama asked.
“Oh, no sir, Mr. President. But, my advisors say they should be under 24/7 surveillance.”
“Based on what?”
“Well, sir,” Napolitano said, “based on the results of our analysis. It amounts to a threat assessment. They represent a clear and present danger.”
“Where did this come from, Secretary Napolitano?”
“Well, we had some consultants affiliated with Harvard and MIT work with the University of Illinois to develop a massive database analysis program with a scanning and search capability. This system is tightly coupled with pattern recognition software, large scale historical databases, and advanced threat processing algorithms.”
“Have I heard of this program? What is it called?”
“Mr. President, the developers call their program the Continuous Realtime Algorithmic Processor for Linear Orthogonal Analysis of Data.”
“Wow, that's a mouthful. Does the program have a short name?”
“Uh, yes sir. The acronym for the program which is...uh... derived from the first letter of each word in the title...”
“Secretary Napolitano, I know what an acronym is.”
“Uh, yes sir. Well the acronym for this program is…
uh, it’s CRAPLOAD, sir.”
“CRAPLOAD?”
“Yes, sir. CRAPLOAD.”
“You guys couldn't come up with anything better than CRAPLOAD?”
“Sir, we didn't name it. The academics at Harvard and MIT came up with the name.”
“Secretary Napolitano,” Obama said. “I'll get back to you on this. Is there anything else?”
“Yes, sir. One other thing. I took care of that tax problem,” Napolitano said.
“What tax problem? You had an income tax issue at one time as I recall.”
“No sir, not income tax. A reporter found out that I bought Nutrisystem on the Internet and I hadn't paid a state sales tax on it. I sent the check in right away.”
“Does Fox News know about this?” Obama asked.
“I don't think so, Mr. President. This was uncovered by some blogger kind of reporter. She says she hates Fox News.”
“Good.”
“Yes, sir,” Napolitano said. “She also says she hates the Tea Party, the Democratic Party, ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN, the Republican Party, vegetarians, meat eaters, global warming, global cooling, climate change, climates that don’t change, the New York Times, the Washington Post, and Arianna Huffington. Strangely, she does like Rush Limbaugh, though.”
“I see. Interesting mix,” Obama said. “Let me know if anything changes on this.”
“Yes sir, Mr. President. Thank you.”
