Chapter 10: Youth Is As Youth Does

And so it goes....

I've been searching for them for several years now.  The SNL writing crew knows something about staying out of site. Every time I bring up the idea of writing something that pokes barbs at liberals I see a scattering of things into the shadows accompanied by a skittering sound -- kind of like the sound that rats make.  I guess it's just not in their nature.

Too bad.  It's such a target rich environment.  I know it's been a while.  Here's the next installment.

Austin Speed

YOUTH IS AS YOUTH DOES

"Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.”

-          Lester B. Pearson

The Obama entourage arrived at Americorps headquarters in force and pulled into VIP parking.  The bumper and rear quarter panel on the presidential SUV was being held together with duct tape.  

President Obama and his group got out of the SUV and were greeted by a lineup of Americorps personnel.  The   group was dressed in a mashup of mismatched polo shirts, casual slacks, and an occasional pair of jeans.  One man wore a tool belt.  They were standing at attention, sort of.

A heavyset, elderly woman named Helen Smith introduced herself and welcomed the President and his group.

“Thank you, Helen,” Obama said.  “Is Mr. Gumpferts here today?”

“Uh, no sir, he isn't,” Helen said.  “He's on leave, sir.  We would have called him in, but he is in South America and we couldn't reach him.”

“Interesting.  What is he doing there?” Obama asked.

“Well, Mr. President, he is on vacation with his family.  He is skiing and playing golf I believe.”

“I see.  Do you work for him?”

“Oh, no sir.  I work for Jane Willsap, the Director and Coordinator for Federal Agency Liaison.  She works for him.”

“I see.  Is she here?” Obama asked.

“Uh, no sir, she is not.  She is also on leave.”

“I see.”

“Yes, sir.  She is in Belize,” Helen offered.

“Well, Helen,” Obama asked, “is anyone here from the top level of Americorps management?”

“Uh, well, no sir.  They're pretty much all out in the field or on leave right now.”

“I see,” Obama said.

“This meeting was on pretty short notice, sir.  We're here to help you if we can, though.”

Obama looked at the lineup of Americorps personnel and wasn't encouraged.

“Well, can we go inside and have a meeting, Helen?”

“Oh, yes sir.  The big conference room is available.  We just finished a sexual harassment seminar for our field managers.”

“Very good, Helen,” Obama said.

The two groups walked into the Americorps headquarters building past some displays of young people building houses and fences and teaching in schools.  They were led into a conference room that had about fifteen small folding chairs and a small folding table that would accommodate about six people.

After everyone crowded in and settled down Helen kicked it off.

“Well, sir, what can we do for you?”

“Helen, we're here on a fact finding trip to see how the Stimulus money has helped Americorps deliver better services to its client agencies and to the clinics and school districts you support. According to my tracking sheet we sent about twelve billion in Stimulus money to Americorps to escalate your activities.”

“Twelve billion, sir?  My goodness, that sounds like a lot.  I remember that we recruited about fifty more people this year than last year.  I asked Ms. Willsap to ask Mr. Gumpferts if we could bring in any more people, but she said he was reluctant to do that due to downward budget pressure.”

“Does anyone else here know anything about how the Stimulus money was used here at Americorps?” Obama asked.

The man with the tool belt raised his hand.

“Yes?” Obama asked.

“Stan Gordon, Mr. President.  I'm with maintenance.  I think I know how we used the money here at Americorps.  We were able to get three new ladders and six cordless drills.  Came in real handy.”

“I see,” Obama said.  “Does anyone have anything else?”

Everyone at the table was silent.  They looked around at each other and remained quiet for several long seconds. Finally Helen said, “I think that's all we know right now, Mr. President.  I'll place calls to our managers to let them know what your primary issues are and try to get them to answer the questions about the Stimulus money.”

“Thank you, Helen. I look forward to hearing from them.  Please ask Mr. Gumpferts to call me when he calls in,” Obama said.  “Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure meeting you.”

The groups shook hands and Obama headed out with his people.  They climbed into the SUVs and drove off. 

“Well, Mr. President,” Biden said, “I think that went well.”

“Thanks, Joe.  David, let's run an audit on them.  I want to make sure that whatever happened to that money doesn't surface with the media.”

“Yes, sir.  Any specific instructions, Mr. President?”

“Yes. I'd like an accounting of twelve billion dollars minus three ladders and six cordless drills.”

Chapter 9: Seeking Truth

       This is Chapter Nine of the most comprehensive political satire ever written about the Obama administration, "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe".  It may be the only political satire about the Obama administration in book form.  People have written pithy little columns, but I alone undertook the monumental task of writing a full one hundred pages of biting humor about the most incompetent administration in U.S. political history.
     It's been a while  since I've blogged because I've been on an intense search effort to find members of the Saturday Night Live writing staff in an attempt to make contact and appeal to their sense of fairness.  The latest unsubstantiated rumor, the kind I particularly like and prefer, is that they have been on a worldwide search for material to wring as many laughs as they can out of skits about the Romney family which they will run until the election.   They, like the rest of the mainstream news media, have decided to leave Barack Obama alone.  After all, President Obama is working so hard to look presidential while he plays lousy golf and attends multiple fundraisers every day.
      I think this is all very sad and it amounts to a tragic state of affairs for SNL which purports to be a comedy show.  It's not so sad for SNL, but for us at home we have to go to bed after the news on Saturday night because there isn't anything funny on television. 
      Lorne, buddy, give me a call.  I'm in the book.  Look me up (or do you need to be spoonfed your information?).

                                                                                             -- Austin Speed

Chapter Nine

SEEKING TRUTH

"In politics you must always keep running with the pack. The moment that you falter and they sense that you are injured, the rest will turn on you like wolves.”

-       R. A. Butler

Obama looked around at the group.  “We've got to get out of here.” Obama punched up his intercom.  “Alert the Secret Service that we're going out in 30 minutes.  Have them get cars ready.”

“Xxxxxxxx Rsssssss,” the speaker blared. 

“David.  Joe.  We're going on a Fact Finding Trip,” Obama announced.

“Fact finding?” Biden asked.

“Yep, Joe.  We're going in search of the Stimulus funding.   We're going to find out who got it and what's happening with it. So, can you get me a list of local organizations who received money from the Stimulus plan?”

“Yes, sir,” Biden said.

After about forty five minutes Obama is sitting in the back seat of a black government Suburban SUV.   Biden and Axelrod are in the back seat riding with him as he reads a list.

Biden said, “I'd feel better out here if I had a weapon of some kind.”

“Relax, Joe,” Obama said.  “We have the Secret Service here.  I trust them.”

“That's right, Mr. President,” Biden said “'When seconds count, they're only minutes away'.  I heard that on a Fox News gun rights special.”

“Joe, the Secret Service is here.  They're right here with us.  Kick back a little bit.”

“I'm sorry, Mr. President.  I’m a little jumpy.  I guess I was embarrassed that the list was so small.”

“Yeah, I wonder about this.  Something’s wrong with this database, I think,” Obama said.  “It looks like the only places getting Stimulus money in D. C. are Americorps, a bagel shop, and some community organizing group called ‘MAGA’.   Does anybody know what MAGA is?”

“Well, sir,” Axelrod said, “MAGA is a great group.   MAGA stands for Making ACORN Grab America.  They help poor people get loans.”

“That’s good.  How do they help the poor people pay the loans back?” Obama asked.

“They don't have to,” Biden said, “the loans are government guaranteed.”

Obama thought about that for a second.  

“I know there are more places in the Washington area getting Stimulus funding, Mr. President,” Biden said. “Heck, most of the money was supposed to be spent in Washington.   It just takes a while for my guys to get the data over to my web site number.”

Obama thought about this for a second.  “It's okay for now, Joe. We'll make this work.  I like Americorps.  Clinton invented that.  Let's go to their office.”

“Yeah,” Biden said, “Americorps is a good organization.  We've been able to get them to register a lot of Democrats and campaign for a lot of candidates.”

“Whoa, Joe. Hang on,” Obama said.  “David, I don't understand.  Does Americorps do this using federal funds?”

“Oh, no, Mr. President,” Axelrod said. “Americorps firewalls the federal funds from any use in campaign activities.  The young people support the campaigning effort because they're motivated to make a difference.”

“Of course they are,” Obama said. “Americorps is full of energetic young people who really work hard.   I am a little concerned, however.  Just how did they set up this accounting firewall you described, David?”

“Well, sir,” David said, “they hired over forty attorneys and accountants to set up an audit proof set of books and databases that cannot possibly be deciphered to infer any use of federal funds in campaign activity.”

“I see,” Obama said. “And just what is their funding source for paying young people to participate in the democratic process?”

“Well, sir, George Soros lends money to Americorps, so they will have the funds to pay people who work on campaign support activities.”

“He lends money?”

“Yes, sir.  Millions.”

“And does he expect to be paid back?”

“Why yes, sir.  It’s a loan.”

“What kind of interest rate do we pay him?”

“I think it’s on the order of twelve percent, sir.”

The President's car was hit suddenly in the rear quarter panel by another black Chevy Suburban SUV.   Two caravans of black Chevy Suburban SUV's had collided in a massive six SUV pileup.  The collisions were relatively minor and there were no serious injuries.

Heavily armed Secret Service personnel emerged from the presidential caravan SUVs and pointed guns in the general direction of the other group of SUVs.  Heavily armed body guards in hooded sweatshirts with lots of bling, flat billed baseball caps, and chrome plated semiautomatic hand guns poured out of the other SUVs and pointed their guns in the general direction of the Secret Service Agents.

“Hands up!  Lay down your weapons!” the agents repeated.

“Drop 'em or me and my homies'll cap you!!”

“Hands up!”

“Lay 'em down, cracker!”

“Hands up and lay down your arms!!” the agents repeated.

“We'll put your sorry white butts in the ground!”

“One last warning!!! Hands up!!! Lay your weapons down.”

“JayLo ain't gonna let us drop our guns!  D.C.'s too dangerous!!”

Obama rolled down his window and stuck his head out.  “Did you say 'JayLo'?  Jennifer Lopez?”

One of the bodyguards recognized the President.  “Mr. President??”

“Yes, it's me.”

“Well, Mr. Prez, JayLo was coming to see you.”

“She was?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Okay,” Obama said. “Before anybody does anything stupid, can we all lower the weapons?”

Hesitantly, JayLo's bodyguards slowly lower their weapons as does the Secret Service. 

“You said that Jennifer Lopez was coming to see me?”

“Yes, sir.”

Obama looks back in the car at Daley.  “Was she on the schedule?”

“No, sir” Daley said.  “Not my copy anyway.”

Obama looks back out the window.  “I tell you what.  Miss Lopez can meet me now while we sort out this collision and determine which vehicles are still in working order.”

Lopez's bodyguard said, “Uh, okay, President Obama.  I'll tell her.”  He walked back to one of the Lopez SUVs and opened the door to talk to the occupants.  Finally, Jennifer Lopez came out of the car escorted by Ryan Reynolds.

She was talking on her cell phone as she walked up to President Obama's car. “I don't care, Tony, you schmuck.  You agreed that you would take the kids this weekend.  I'll see you Friday afternoon at 3 pm.  That's it!  Do it!”

Jennifer Lopez looked into the presidential SUV and said, “Mr. President, it is indeed an honor.  I'm Jennifer Lopez and this is Ryan Reynolds.”  They were both dressed in jeans, sandals, and sweatshirts.  

Obama said, “I know who you are, Miss Lopez.  Please come in and have a seat.  Ryan, you too.”

“Thank you, sir.”   Lopez and Reynolds climbed into the back seat of the SUV.  

Obama introduced everyone to each other and then said, “It’s a pleasure to meet the two of you.  Ryan, I liked that Green Hornet picture you were in this year.”

“Uh, that was, uh, Green Lantern, sir, Mr. President,” Ryan mumbled.

“Ah, that’s right, Mr. Reynolds.  Getting my ‘greens’ mixed up.  Sorry.   And Ms. Lopez, I understand you were on your way to see me.  What can I do for you?”

“Well, Mr. President,” Lopez began, “there's a crisis in my business.  Show business and media, I mean.  There's a problem that needs to be solved and I would like to talk to you about some laws to help us out.”

“A crisis in show business?  I hadn't heard.  What kind of crisis?”

“Well, sir” Lopez said, “it takes some explaining but basically the nation is being victimized by untalented people.”

“Untalented people?” Obama asked.

“Yes sir.  It started with Survivor, the first really huge reality show.  Then came a stream of things like Real World on MTV, Jersey Shore, and The Bachelor.”

“Well, Miss Lopez,” Obama said, “I'm aware of these shows, but I wasn't aware of a crisis.”

“Oh, but Mr. President,” Lopez pleaded, “it's very serious.  People with no talent are getting all the air time, the magazine covers, and the entertainment news exposure.  People who can't sing, dance, or act are all over the place.  They're sucking all the oxygen out of the business.  Our nation's entertainment industry is threatened.   Some of these reality people like that Snooki chick have higher name recognition than I do.”

“I see,” Obama said.  “I suppose there is a problem of some kind there.”

“Mr. President,” Lopez said, “it's worse than you think.  Where young people used to want to grow up and sing, dance, or act, now they just want to get a reality show.  They don't want to practice their songs or rehearse lines or learn their moves.  They just want to make it up while some video camera rolls on.”

“Hmmm,” Obama said.

“Sir, it's all come to a head with that Kardashian chick and her family.  She was on every cover and every news program sucking up all the publicity machinery and nobody else could get a word in edgewise.  She gets publicity for her family's little arguments, for her wedding, for her divorce, and for her next boyfriend.  She gets publicity when she farts, for God’s sake!  She does absolutely nothing! Nothing! She was on Dancing With the Stars for five weeks before people finally voted her off for not moving her feet, her butt, or her face.  And now her mom just runs around and gets on every talk show on the planet to talk about how sincere she was about being married and how she wants to have a baby.  Having a baby doesn’t require any talent! Give me a break!”

“It does sound like there's a problem there,” Obama said.  “But, I don't know how I can help.”

“President Obama, we need legislation,” Lopez said forcefully.

“We do?”

“Yes, sir, we do,” Lopez said.

“What kind of legislation?” Obama asked.

“Well, sir, we need to separate entertainment from reality.  We need legislation to separate the media that covers reality programming and reporting from legitimate entertainment media like Entertainment Weekly and Entertainment Tonight. You know – the television show.  We need laws to prevent entertainment media from reporting on reality shows and reality show people.  They should have their own media. They can't steal ours.”

“Hmmm. Well, I have a question, Miss Lopez,” Obama said.  “You are a judge on what some people would call a reality program – American Idol.   With this kind of law the entertainment media couldn't report on your involvement in that program because it's a reality program, right?”

“Mr. President,” Lopez said, “American Idol is not a reality program.  It's an entertainment program with music and singing.”

“Yes, but the Emmy awards categorize it as a reality show, don't they?” Obama asked.

“Well, sir, we can get that changed.”

“I see,” Obama said. “Well, Miss Lopez, have someone write up a legislative proposal and send it to Representative Boehner, the Speaker of the House, and we'll see if we can schedule it for a debate.”

“Write it up?  This is a crisis, Mr. President. Can't we get an executive order or something?”  Lopez asked.

“I'm not sure, Miss Lopez, that I can work it that way,” Obama said.  “Executive orders are for governmental functions that are specifically enumerated in the Constitution.  I'm not sure that oversight over the entertainment news business is an area over which we have cognizance.” 

“Well, Mr. President, that is a bit disappointing, but I guess I'll have to find somebody who can write up a legislative proposal.”

“It shouldn't be hard, Miss Lopez.  Washington’s full of people who can do it.”

“I suppose that's true, Mr. President,” Lopez said.  “The people on my staff certainly aren't all that literate.  We find that people who read and write well are dangerous as employees.  They tend to see things or get ideas and tweet them.”

“I see. Well, maybe you can find a good consultant,” Obama said.

“True.  Thank you for your time, Mr. President.  I think we'll leave now.  G'bye.”

“Goodbye, Miss Lopez.  It was a pleasure.”

Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Reynolds got out of the car and walked away.

Biden asked, “Mr. President, did you say we have specifically enumerated powers in the Constitution?”

“Yes, I did, Joe, but I only brought it up as a way to discourage Miss Lopez.  We never really pay attention to any Constitutional limits on the Presidency.”

“Hmmm,” Biden said, “I really ought to read that thing someday.”

Chapter 8: Threat Matrix

    This is Chapter Eight of this year's blockbuster political satire about the Obama administration,  "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe".  Full of humor, suspense, and biting wit, this work of political fiction will entertain you for at least an hour.  It is designed to be read in about 10 short breaks. 
    I've almost given up on the members of the Saturday Night Live writing staff.  Rumor has it they were spotted at a summer retreat spot where they were being briefed on Republican policy initiatives and how to make jokes about them.  They may be beyond hope.  Maybe we can start up some kind of alternative outlet.
    Call me if you want to produce some counter-liberal stuff.  We need to collborate.
 

                                                                                           -- Austin Speed

Chapter Eight

THREAT MATRIX

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”

-          Ronald Reagan

“Sssssnnn  Rrrrrddddd,”  the intercom crackled, “Nnnnnrrrr ppppppdddddd nnndd ssssss rrrrrgggggnn.”

“Mr. President,” Axelrod said, “it sounds like Secretary Napolitano is on the phone.  I believe she said it was urgent.”

“Okay, put her through,” Obama said.

Janet Napolitano’s voice came over the speaker phone, “Mr. President, I'm sorry to interrupt, but my people have called an urgent matter to my attention.” 

“What's that, Madam...uh... Secretary Napolitano?” Obama asked.

“Am I on speaker phone, sir?”

“Oh, yes you are.  Bill Daley, Joe Biden, David Axelrod, and Eric Holder are here.”

“I see,” Napolitano said.  “Well, gentlemen, as some of you know we've engaged with the University of Illinois Center for Terrorism Studies to evaluate the threat profile of every possible group or major public figure or leader in the world.  They've compiled the largest database of this information anywhere and have conducted extensive modeling and analysis.”

“And what they turned up?” Obama asked.

“Well, as you know, Mr. President, there are a number of significant threats external to the United States that are well known – terrorist networks, rogue regimes, narco-terrorist cartels, organized international crime.  However, the biggest threat to the stability of our country and our government is within.  It is among our very own domestic dissident elements.  The biggest threats, according to the Center’s analysis, are talk radio and Fox News.”

“Wait, wait,” Obama said. “What about the Iranians with nukes, Secretary Napolitano?  What about North Korea, the Russians, radical Muslims, the Cubans, South America, Somalia?  What are they really saying?”

“What they’re saying, Mr. President, is that Hugh Hewitt, Michael Medved, Roger Hedgecock, Dennis Prager, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly are bigger, more potent threats.  They have the power to incite significant domestic resistance.”

“Resistance?” Obama asked.  “Resistance to what?”

“Resistance, Mr. President,” Napolitano said.  “Resistance to everything that needs to be done.  Resistance to abortion rights, the NGLTB agenda, gays in the military, reparations, nationalized health care, public transportation initiatives like high-speed rail, reduced executive compensation, unionization, Cap and Trade taxation...you name it.” 

“Secretary Napolitano, is the Center recommending that we go to war with these people?” Obama asked.

“Oh, no sir, Mr. President.  But, my advisors say they should be under 24/7 surveillance.”

“Based on what?”

“Well, sir,” Napolitano said, “based on the results of our analysis. It amounts to a threat assessment. They represent a clear and present danger.”

            “Where did this come from, Secretary Napolitano?”

            “Well, we had some consultants affiliated with Harvard and MIT work with the University of Illinois to develop a massive database analysis program with a scanning and search capability. This system is tightly coupled with pattern recognition software, large scale historical databases, and advanced threat processing algorithms.”

            “Have I heard of this program?  What is it called?”

            “Mr. President, the developers call their program the Continuous Realtime Algorithmic Processor for Linear Orthogonal Analysis of Data.”

            “Wow, that's a mouthful.  Does the program have a short name?”

            “Uh, yes sir.  The acronym for the program which is...uh... derived from the first letter of each word in the title...”

            “Secretary Napolitano, I know what an acronym is.”

            “Uh, yes sir.  Well the acronym for this program is…

uh, it’s CRAPLOAD, sir.”

            “CRAPLOAD?”

             “Yes, sir.  CRAPLOAD.”

            “You guys couldn't come up with anything better than CRAPLOAD?”

            “Sir, we didn't name it.  The academics at Harvard and MIT came up with the name.”

“Secretary Napolitano,” Obama said. “I'll get back to you on this.  Is there anything else?”

“Yes, sir.  One other thing.  I took care of that tax problem,” Napolitano said.

“What tax problem?  You had an income tax issue at one time as I recall.”

“No sir, not income tax.   A reporter found out that I bought Nutrisystem on the Internet and I hadn't paid a state sales tax on it.   I sent the check in right away.” 

“Does Fox News know about this?” Obama asked.

“I don't think so, Mr. President.  This was uncovered by some blogger kind of reporter.  She says she hates Fox News.”

“Good.”

“Yes, sir,” Napolitano said. “She also says she hates the Tea Party, the Democratic Party, ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN, the Republican Party, vegetarians, meat eaters, global warming, global cooling, climate change, climates that don’t change, the New York Times, the Washington Post, and Arianna Huffington.  Strangely, she does like Rush Limbaugh, though.”

“I see.  Interesting mix,” Obama said.  “Let me know if anything changes on this.”

“Yes sir, Mr. President. Thank you.”

Chapter 7: Bridges and Roads, Roads and Bridges

    This is Chapter Seven of the one truly top notch political satire about the Obama administration,  "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe".  It's hilarious, isn't it?  I worked really hard on it.   As many of you know I have been on a continuous search for members of the Saturday Night Live writing staff.  Last known sighting was at the 'W' hotel in New York.  Or is it the 'Y' hotel?  Heck, I don't know.  I realize they need their rest and relaxation to rev up for another season of Republican bashing.  I hear they're getting a lot of leftover material from Bill Maher and John Stewart.  Colbert submitted some stuff but they thought it was too squirmy.  No punchlines.  Not SNL's cup of tea apparently.

    Somebody please ask them to contact me.  I can save them.  It would be just awful if they missed the movement to oust the worst president in U.S. history while they were busy trying to retread tired old jokes about the War on Women or something.  

    C'mon guys.  Van Jones?  Debbie Wasserman What's-Her-Name?  Jay Carney?  Axelrod?  Biden?  These people are hilarious.  Let's go write some comedy, shall we?

 

                                                                                           -- Austin Speed

Chapter Seven

BRIDGES AND ROADS,

ROADS AND BRIDGES

"The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.”

-          Larry Hardiman

“Sssssnnn  Rrrrrddddd,”  the intercom crackled, “Nnnnnrrrr ppppppdddddd nnndd ssssss rrrrrgggggnn.”

            Obama looked at Axelrod who seemed to be struggling with this one. 

            “Senator Reid is on the phone, Mr. President,” Axelrod said.  “At least I think that’s what she said.”

            “I’ll take it,” Obama said into the intercom. “Harry, how are you today?”

“Okay, so far, Mr. President, but we've got to talk about health care,” Reid said.

“Let's do that, Harry. I just want you to know you’re on a speaker phone with Bill Daley, David Axelrod, Vice President Biden, and Attorney General Eric Holder.”

“Hi, guys.  It’s good having you all listen.  Let me give you the short version so that when we meet we'll all be prepared to talk more productively.”

“Great, Harry. Let us hear what you’ve got.”

“Here's the basic idea, Mr. President,” Reid said.  “As you know coal makes us sick.   Oil makes us sick.  All fossil fuels make us sick.  We're getting sicker and sicker.”

“Got it. Go on,” Obama said.

“Well, Las Vegas is powered by hydroelectric power from Hoover Dam.   People don't get sick there.  Is everyone with me so far?”

“I think so, Harry.”

“So our proposal is that we move D. C. to Las Vegas and put in high speed rail transit from Vegas to L.A., New York, and Chicago.”

“We move D. C. to Las Vegas?” Obama asked.

“Yes sir, Mr. President.  We've got clean power.   The weather's better.  You'll demonstrate your commitment to a clean environment.    Heck, maybe we can actually double or triple our federal revenue by betting the budget money in the casinos.”           

“Wow, Senator Reid,” Obama said, “that's a pretty interesting set of ideas.  Can you help me out a bit and relate that back to health care again?”

“Well, Mr. President, moving D.C. to Vegas would mean fewer people in the Potomac area.  Fewer colds.  Fewer people getting sick because of coal and oil.  Burning less fossil fuels, you know.   It'll just be healthier.”

“Okay, Harry, I think I get it now.  Well, thank you for sharing your ideas.  I look forward to talking to you about this.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.  Have a nice day.”

Obama disconnected the call.  “Well, David, where were we?  Does this Deep Tongue have anything else?”

“Just that it's the first phase of a three part campaign.”

“What are the other two phases?” Obama asked.

“We don't know that yet, Mr. President,” Axelrod said.  “There is another issue that we should talk about, however.”

“What's that?”

“Sir, we need to talk about Dorothy, the beauty shop owner from Springfield.”

“Who's that?” Obama asked.

 “She's been on Fox News, Breitbart’s website, and Drudge Report claiming the Stimulus Bill has failed to help small business.”

“What does she mean it’s failed?” Obama asked. “How could it have failed?  What's she saying?”

Axelrod said, “Well, sir, She claims Vice President Biden's office could not tell her one thing that the Stimulus Bill is doing that helps small business.  She's adamant and fairly convincing.”

“Joe, do you know anything about this?” Obama asked.

“Mr. President,” Biden said, “I don’t know how she figures it.  The Stimulus Plan has to be helping her.  We're fixing roads and bridges.   She needs those things for people to get to her business.  Bridges.  Roads.  Bridges. She needs ‘em, right? Roads?”

“Well…uh…Mr. Vice President,” Axelrod said, “she says the roads and bridges she has near her business are fine.  They don't need fixing and they don't need new ones.  On Fox News she said, ‘If that's the best you've got I'm going Republican’.”

Obama hit his intercom button and said, “Could you ask Mr. Carney to come to my office, please?” 

“Yyxxxx sssss,” the intercom hissed.

Obama released the intercom button and said, “What do we do about this?”

“We should audit her, Mr. President,” Axelrod said. “There isn't a small business on the planet that hasn't cheated or made a mistake on their taxes.   Let's do a Joe the Plumber on her.”

“Sssssrrrt  Pppnnnnnt,”  the intercom hissed, “Nnnrrr Ggggggsss izzzzz heeeee.”

            Obama looked at Axelrod.  “I think I’ve got this one.  Carney is here, right?”

            “Yes, sir,” Axelrod replied.

            Obama hit the intercom button, “Send him in.”

“Zzzzzzz Rrrrrrrr,” the intercom popped.

Jay Carney walked into the room “Thank you for calling me down here, Mr. President.  The press corps was hounding me about Iran and Fast and Furious again.”

“Jay, how are you doing?” Obama asked. “We'll send you back to the press corps soon, but right now we need to know something.  Just what do you know about Dorothy, the beauty shop owner from Springfield?”

“Well, Mr. President,” Carney said, “She's popping off to right wing media about the Stimulus Bill not doing anything for small business.”  

“Do you have any ideas on mitigating this?”

Carney thought for a second and said, “We could take her on.  Frankly, I think this is small enough that we should sympathize and tell her we will see what we can do.”

“I tend to agree.  Let’s not run the audit yet, David.  Joe, is there any way we can reach out to her?  Maybe we can turn this into a photo op.”

“We’ll try, Mr. President,” Biden said.

“What are we going to tell her?” Axelrod asked looking directly at Biden. 

“Well, David,” Biden said, “I'd just remind her that even though she doesn't think much of what we're doing to bridges and roads, she needs those things to run her business.   We should tell her about the great websites we have for the Stimulus package with all the pictures of bridges and roads, and recommend that she check out the website for the Small Business Administration.   And in order to really help her, I'm sure we can help her union employees with some bailout money.”

“Mr. Vice President, she's got two employees.  They're not unionized.”

“Well heck, David, we can help with that, too.  We'll ask the AFL-CIO or the ACORN folks to head on over there and organize her people.  She's in Illinois, right?”

“No, sir,” Axelrod said.  “Springfield, Texas.”

 The words ‘dumb struck’ hardly seemed adequate. Finally, Obama recovered long enough to ask, “How in the hell is any major media event like this coming out of Texas?   They don’t have any media down there, do they?  Who listens to people from Texas?  Surely there’s some story we can push up to our friends at the Times and at CNN to drown this thing out.”

            “I’m not so sure, sir,” Axelrod said.  “It seems as though a large number of reporters that had been pulled out of Iran and Afghanistan were laid off, for the most part, due to budget cutting at mainstream news outlets.  A lot of them decided they didn’t really want to live in Washington, New York, Chicago, or California.  Many of them moved to Texas to become independent journalists…bloggers so to speak.”

            “Bloggers,” Biden said.  “I hate bloggers.”

            “These bloggers seem to have gotten organized,” Axelrod said. “They write pretty good pieces, and they’ve begun to give more visibility to stories out of Texas. They’re getting a lot of play, and other news organizations are picking up their stories.”

            “So these are the people who are reporting on this Dorothy woman?” Obama asked.

            “Initially,” Axelrod said.  “Fox picked the story up and so did Breitbart and Drudge.  Eventually all the outlets carried something on it.”

            “Drudge,” Biden said and started laughing.  “Sounds like ‘sludge’ doesn’t it?”  Biden kept laughing while everybody else stayed quiet.  Biden eventually settled down.

            “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” Obama said.  “Bill, call Panetta and see if there are any other high profile terrorists we can knock off easily.   Maybe we can release one from Guantanamo, track him as he leaves, and hit him right after he gets back to Pakistan.  David, let’s act like we’re on the side of small business.  Call this woman and ask her if she’d like to come to the White House and have a beer with me in the Rose Garden.”

“She doesn’t drink beer, Mr. President,” Axelrod said.  “She’s made a big point of that in all of her interviews.  Texas Bible thumper.  I recommend tea, sir.” 

“Can we make it coffee?”

“She doesn’t drink coffee either.  Health kick.  Green tea, sir.  Green tea.”

“Blecchh.  Okay, see if she’ll bite on that.  Bill, see if you can find some leftover Stimulus money to help her to expand her business. David, let’s get some kind of story to crowd this out of the news.  Whatever you’ve got.  An oil spill, or a hurricane, or an earthquake, or something.”

            Obama looks around the room at the group. “Everyone got it?”

            “What do you want me to do?” Biden asked.

            “You’re the Vice President, Joe.  You need to stay above this,” Obama said.

            “Right,” Biden said as if he actually understood.