I've been searching for them for several years now. The SNL writing crew knows something about staying out of site. Every time I bring up the idea of writing something that pokes barbs at liberals I see a scattering of things into the shadows accompanied by a skittering sound -- kind of like the sound that rats make. I guess it's just not in their nature.
Too bad. It's such a target rich environment. I know it's been a while. Here's the next installment.
Austin Speed
YOUTH IS AS
YOUTH DOES
"Politics is the skilled use of
blunt objects.”
-
Lester B. Pearson
The Obama entourage arrived at Americorps headquarters in
force and pulled into VIP parking. The
bumper and rear quarter panel on the presidential SUV was being held together with
duct tape.
President Obama and his group got out of the SUV and were
greeted by a lineup of Americorps personnel.
The group was dressed in a mashup of mismatched
polo shirts, casual slacks, and an occasional pair of jeans. One man wore a tool belt. They were standing at attention, sort of.
A heavyset, elderly woman named Helen Smith introduced
herself and welcomed the President and his group.
“Thank you, Helen,” Obama said. “Is Mr. Gumpferts here today?”
“Uh, no sir, he isn't,” Helen said. “He's on leave, sir. We would have called him in, but he is in
South America and we couldn't reach him.”
“Interesting. What
is he doing there?” Obama asked.
“Well, Mr. President, he is on vacation with his
family. He is skiing and playing golf I
believe.”
“I see. Do you work
for him?”
“Oh, no sir. I work
for Jane Willsap, the Director and Coordinator for Federal Agency Liaison. She works for him.”
“I see. Is she
here?” Obama asked.
“Uh, no sir, she is not.
She is also on leave.”
“I see.”
“Yes, sir. She is
in Belize,” Helen offered.
“Well, Helen,” Obama asked, “is anyone here from the top
level of Americorps management?”
“Uh, well, no sir.
They're pretty much all out in the field or on leave right now.”
“I see,” Obama said.
“This meeting was on pretty short notice, sir. We're here to help you if we can, though.”
Obama looked at the lineup of Americorps personnel and
wasn't encouraged.
“Well, can we go inside and have a meeting, Helen?”
“Oh, yes sir. The
big conference room is available. We
just finished a sexual harassment seminar for our field managers.”
“Very good, Helen,” Obama said.
The two groups walked into the Americorps headquarters
building past some displays of young people building houses and fences and
teaching in schools. They were led into
a conference room that had about fifteen small folding chairs and a small
folding table that would accommodate about six people.
After everyone crowded in and settled down Helen kicked it
off.
“Well, sir, what can we do for you?”
“Helen, we're here on a fact finding trip to see how the
Stimulus money has helped Americorps deliver better services to its client
agencies and to the clinics and school districts you support. According to my
tracking sheet we sent about twelve billion in Stimulus money to Americorps to
escalate your activities.”
“Twelve billion, sir?
My goodness, that sounds like a lot.
I remember that we recruited about fifty more people this year than last
year. I asked Ms. Willsap to ask Mr.
Gumpferts if we could bring in any more people, but she said he was reluctant
to do that due to downward budget pressure.”
“Does anyone else here know anything about how the
Stimulus money was used here at Americorps?” Obama asked.
The man with the tool belt raised his hand.
“Yes?” Obama asked.
“Stan Gordon, Mr. President. I'm with maintenance. I think I know how we used the money here at
Americorps. We were able to get three
new ladders and six cordless drills.
Came in real handy.”
“I see,” Obama said.
“Does anyone have anything else?”
Everyone at the table was silent. They looked around at each other and remained
quiet for several long seconds. Finally Helen said, “I think that's all we know
right now, Mr. President. I'll place
calls to our managers to let them know what your primary issues are and try to
get them to answer the questions about the Stimulus money.”
“Thank you, Helen. I look forward to hearing from
them. Please ask Mr. Gumpferts to call
me when he calls in,” Obama said.
“Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure meeting you.”
The groups shook hands and Obama headed out with his
people. They climbed into the SUVs and
drove off.
“Well, Mr. President,” Biden said, “I think that went
well.”
“Thanks, Joe.
David, let's run an audit on them.
I want to make sure that whatever happened to that money doesn't surface
with the media.”
“Yes, sir. Any
specific instructions, Mr. President?”
“Yes. I'd like an accounting of twelve billion dollars
minus three ladders and six cordless drills.”
