It's been a while since I've blogged because I've been on an intense search effort to find members of the Saturday Night Live writing staff in an attempt to make contact and appeal to their sense of fairness. The latest unsubstantiated rumor, the kind I particularly like and prefer, is that they have been on a worldwide search for material to wring as many laughs as they can out of skits about the Romney family which they will run until the election. They, like the rest of the mainstream news media, have decided to leave Barack Obama alone. After all, President Obama is working so hard to look presidential while he plays lousy golf and attends multiple fundraisers every day.
I think this is all very sad and it amounts to a tragic state of affairs for SNL which purports to be a comedy show. It's not so sad for SNL, but for us at home we have to go to bed after the news on Saturday night because there isn't anything funny on television.
Lorne, buddy, give me a call. I'm in the book. Look me up (or do you need to be spoonfed your information?).
-- Austin Speed
Chapter Nine
SEEKING
TRUTH
"In politics you must always keep running with the pack.
The moment that you falter and they sense that you are injured, the rest will
turn on you like wolves.”
-
R. A.
Butler
Obama looked around at the group. “We've got to get out of here.” Obama punched
up his intercom. “Alert the Secret
Service that we're going out in 30 minutes.
Have them get cars ready.”
“Xxxxxxxx Rsssssss,” the speaker
blared.
“David. Joe. We're going on a Fact Finding Trip,” Obama
announced.
“Fact finding?” Biden asked.
“Yep, Joe. We're
going in search of the Stimulus funding.
We're going to find out who got it and what's happening with it. So, can
you get me a list of local organizations who received money from the Stimulus
plan?”
“Yes, sir,” Biden said.
After about forty five minutes Obama is sitting in the
back seat of a black government Suburban SUV.
Biden and Axelrod are in the back seat riding with him as he reads a
list.
Biden said, “I'd feel better out here if I had a weapon of
some kind.”
“Relax, Joe,” Obama said.
“We have the Secret Service here.
I trust them.”
“That's right, Mr. President,” Biden said “'When seconds
count, they're only minutes away'. I
heard that on a Fox News gun rights special.”
“Joe, the Secret Service is here. They're right here with us. Kick back a little bit.”
“I'm sorry, Mr. President.
I’m a little jumpy. I guess I was
embarrassed that the list was so small.”
“Yeah, I wonder about this. Something’s wrong with this database, I think,”
Obama said. “It looks like the only
places getting Stimulus money in D. C. are Americorps, a bagel shop, and some
community organizing group called ‘MAGA’.
Does anybody know what MAGA is?”
“Well, sir,” Axelrod said, “MAGA is a great group. MAGA stands for Making ACORN Grab
America. They help poor people get
loans.”
“That’s good. How
do they help the poor people pay the loans back?” Obama asked.
“They don't have to,” Biden said, “the loans are
government guaranteed.”
Obama thought about that for a second.
“I know there are more places in the Washington area
getting Stimulus funding, Mr. President,” Biden said. “Heck, most of the money
was supposed to be spent in Washington.
It just takes a while for my guys to get the data over to my web site number.”
Obama thought about this for a second. “It's okay for now, Joe. We'll make this
work. I like Americorps. Clinton invented that. Let's go to their office.”
“Yeah,” Biden said, “Americorps is a good
organization. We've been able to get
them to register a lot of Democrats and campaign for a lot of candidates.”
“Whoa, Joe. Hang on,” Obama said. “David, I don't understand. Does Americorps do this using federal funds?”
“Oh, no, Mr. President,” Axelrod said. “Americorps
firewalls the federal funds from any use in campaign activities. The young people support the campaigning
effort because they're motivated to make a difference.”
“Of course they are,” Obama said. “Americorps is full of
energetic young people who really work hard.
I am a little concerned, however.
Just how did they set up this accounting firewall you described, David?”
“Well, sir,” David said, “they hired over forty attorneys
and accountants to set up an audit proof set of books and databases that cannot
possibly be deciphered to infer any use of federal funds in campaign activity.”
“I see,” Obama said. “And just what is their funding
source for paying young people to participate in the democratic process?”
“Well, sir, George Soros lends money to Americorps, so
they will have the funds to pay people who work on campaign support
activities.”
“He lends money?”
“Yes, sir.
Millions.”
“And does he expect to be paid back?”
“Why yes, sir. It’s
a loan.”
“What kind of interest rate do we pay him?”
“I think it’s on the order of twelve percent, sir.”
The President's car was hit suddenly in the rear quarter
panel by another black Chevy Suburban SUV.
Two caravans of black Chevy Suburban SUV's had collided in a massive six
SUV pileup. The collisions were
relatively minor and there were no serious injuries.
Heavily armed Secret Service personnel emerged from the presidential
caravan SUVs and pointed guns in the general direction of the other group of
SUVs. Heavily armed body guards in
hooded sweatshirts with lots of bling, flat billed baseball caps, and chrome
plated semiautomatic hand guns poured out of the other SUVs and pointed their
guns in the general direction of the Secret Service Agents.
“Hands up! Lay down
your weapons!” the agents repeated.
“Drop 'em or me and my homies'll cap you!!”
“Hands up!”
“Lay 'em down, cracker!”
“Hands up and lay down your arms!!” the agents repeated.
“We'll put your sorry white butts in the ground!”
“One last warning!!! Hands up!!! Lay your weapons down.”
“JayLo ain't gonna let us drop our guns! D.C.'s too dangerous!!”
Obama rolled down his window and stuck his head out. “Did you say 'JayLo'? Jennifer Lopez?”
One of the bodyguards recognized the President. “Mr. President??”
“Yes, it's me.”
“Well, Mr. Prez, JayLo was coming to see you.”
“She was?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Okay,” Obama said. “Before anybody does anything stupid,
can we all lower the weapons?”
Hesitantly, JayLo's bodyguards slowly lower their weapons
as does the Secret Service.
“You said that Jennifer Lopez was coming to see me?”
“Yes, sir.”
Obama looks back in the car at Daley. “Was she on the schedule?”
“No, sir” Daley said.
“Not my copy anyway.”
Obama looks back out the window. “I tell you what. Miss Lopez can meet me now while we sort out
this collision and determine which vehicles are still in working order.”
Lopez's bodyguard said, “Uh, okay, President Obama. I'll tell her.” He walked back to one of the Lopez SUVs and
opened the door to talk to the occupants.
Finally, Jennifer Lopez came out of the car escorted by Ryan Reynolds.
She was talking on her cell phone as she walked up to
President Obama's car. “I don't care, Tony, you schmuck. You agreed that you would take the kids this
weekend. I'll see you Friday afternoon
at 3 pm. That's it! Do it!”
Jennifer Lopez looked into the presidential SUV and said,
“Mr. President, it is indeed an honor.
I'm Jennifer Lopez and this is Ryan Reynolds.” They were both dressed in jeans, sandals, and
sweatshirts.
Obama said, “I know who you are, Miss Lopez. Please come in and have a seat. Ryan, you too.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Lopez and Reynolds climbed into the back seat of the SUV.
Obama introduced everyone to each other and then said,
“It’s a pleasure to meet the two of you.
Ryan, I liked that Green Hornet
picture you were in this year.”
“Uh, that was, uh, Green
Lantern, sir, Mr. President,” Ryan mumbled.
“Ah, that’s right, Mr. Reynolds. Getting my ‘greens’ mixed up. Sorry.
And Ms. Lopez, I understand you were on your way to see me. What can I do for you?”
“Well, Mr. President,” Lopez began, “there's a crisis in
my business. Show business and media, I
mean. There's a problem that needs to be
solved and I would like to talk to you about some laws to help us out.”
“A crisis in show business? I hadn't heard. What kind of crisis?”
“Well, sir” Lopez said, “it takes some explaining but
basically the nation is being victimized by untalented people.”
“Untalented people?” Obama asked.
“Yes sir. It
started with Survivor, the first
really huge reality show. Then came a
stream of things like Real World on MTV, Jersey
Shore, and The Bachelor.”
“Well, Miss Lopez,” Obama said, “I'm aware of these shows,
but I wasn't aware of a crisis.”
“Oh, but Mr. President,” Lopez pleaded, “it's very
serious. People with no talent are
getting all the air time, the magazine covers, and the entertainment news
exposure. People who can't sing, dance,
or act are all over the place. They're
sucking all the oxygen out of the business.
Our nation's entertainment industry is threatened. Some of these reality people like that
Snooki chick have higher name recognition than I do.”
“I see,” Obama said.
“I suppose there is a problem of some kind there.”
“Mr. President,” Lopez said, “it's worse than you
think. Where young people used to want
to grow up and sing, dance, or act, now they just want to get a reality
show. They don't want to practice their
songs or rehearse lines or learn their moves.
They just want to make it up while some video camera rolls on.”
“Hmmm,” Obama said.
“Sir, it's all come to a head with that Kardashian chick
and her family. She was on every cover
and every news program sucking up all the publicity machinery and nobody else
could get a word in edgewise. She gets
publicity for her family's little arguments, for her wedding, for her divorce,
and for her next boyfriend. She gets
publicity when she farts, for God’s sake!
She does absolutely nothing! Nothing! She was on Dancing With the Stars for five weeks before people finally voted
her off for not moving her feet, her butt, or her face. And now her mom just runs around and gets on
every talk show on the planet to talk about how sincere she was about being
married and how she wants to have a baby.
Having a baby doesn’t require any talent! Give me a break!”
“It does sound like there's a problem there,” Obama
said. “But, I don't know how I can
help.”
“President Obama, we need legislation,” Lopez said
forcefully.
“We do?”
“Yes, sir, we do,” Lopez said.
“What kind of legislation?” Obama asked.
“Well, sir, we need to separate entertainment from
reality. We need legislation to separate
the media that covers reality programming and reporting from legitimate
entertainment media like Entertainment
Weekly and Entertainment Tonight.
You know – the television show. We need
laws to prevent entertainment media from reporting on reality shows and reality
show people. They should have their own
media. They can't steal ours.”
“Hmmm. Well, I have a question, Miss Lopez,” Obama
said. “You are a judge on what some
people would call a reality program – American
Idol. With this kind of law the
entertainment media couldn't report on your involvement in that program because
it's a reality program, right?”
“Mr. President,” Lopez said, “American Idol is not a reality program. It's an entertainment program with music and
singing.”
“Yes, but the Emmy awards categorize it as a reality show,
don't they?” Obama asked.
“Well, sir, we can get that changed.”
“I see,” Obama said. “Well, Miss Lopez, have someone write
up a legislative proposal and send it to Representative Boehner, the Speaker of
the House, and we'll see if we can schedule it for a debate.”
“Write it up? This
is a crisis, Mr. President. Can't we get an executive order or something?” Lopez asked.
“I'm not sure, Miss Lopez, that I can work it that way,”
Obama said. “Executive orders are for
governmental functions that are specifically enumerated in the
Constitution. I'm not sure that
oversight over the entertainment news business is an area over which we have
cognizance.”
“Well, Mr. President, that is a bit disappointing, but I
guess I'll have to find somebody who can write up a legislative proposal.”
“It shouldn't be hard, Miss Lopez. Washington’s full of people who can do it.”
“I suppose that's true, Mr. President,” Lopez said. “The people on my staff certainly aren't all
that literate. We find that people who
read and write well are dangerous as employees.
They tend to see things or get ideas and tweet them.”
“I see. Well, maybe you can find a good consultant,” Obama
said.
“True. Thank you
for your time, Mr. President. I think
we'll leave now. G'bye.”
“Goodbye, Miss Lopez.
It was a pleasure.”
Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Reynolds got out of the car and
walked away.
Biden asked, “Mr. President, did you say we have
specifically enumerated powers in the Constitution?”
“Yes, I did, Joe, but I only brought it up as a way to
discourage Miss Lopez. We never really
pay attention to any Constitutional limits on the Presidency.”
“Hmmm,” Biden said, “I really ought to read that thing
someday.”
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