Chapter 6: Deep Cover Undercover

    This is Chapter Six of the best political satire ever written about the Obama administration,  "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe".  Hold the applause.  I know it's great because I wrote it.

   I'm probably sounding like a broken record but I still haven't heard from the Saturday Night Live writing staff.  Rumor has it they're just so exhausted from a year of absolutely unbalanced and totally dishonest skits about the Republicans that they had to head out to a sweat lodge somehwere in the southwest.  Hopefully, it's being run by somebody who has a sense of the limits of human dehydration.   

   I really don't know what to say.  I think they should exercise their flabby comedy writing skills and really challenge themselves.  They don't seem to want to take this on, though.  

   Also, if there are any ambitious, hungry lawyers out there you should probably look into the particulars of NBC's broadcast license.  Can they really continue to be this unbalanced and naked in their intent to aid the Obama campaign without a court order requiring them to provide equal time?

   They could adapt material from my book for some of their skits.  I wouldn't charge much...a couple hundred thousand per skit.  That's cheap considering what it takes to overcome a disability these days.  

   Oh, and Betty White, if you're reading this: What happened to you?   Obama???  Really?  That's another sitcom I don't have to pay attention to.  -- Austin Speed

Chapter Six

DEEP COVER UNDERCOVER

"When the political columnists say 'Every thinking man' they mean themselves, and when candidates appeal to 'Every intelligent voter' they mean everybody who is going to vote for them.”

-          Franklin P. Adams

David Axelrod cleared his throat and said, “Mr. President, I have an issue we need to talk about.”

“What’s that, David,” Obama asked. 

“I have to tell you, sir, that the Republicans are showing a few signs of life.”

“What do you mean, David?  I thought we had them in a box,” Biden said.

“We do, Mr. Vice President, sort of,” Axelrod said, “but they have some ideas.”

“Ideas?” Obama asked. “What kind of ideas?”

“Well, we’ve been told that they're starting up an ad campaign.”

“An ad campaign?” Obama asked. “It’s kind of early to be spending a lot of media money.  What kind of ad campaign are they running?”

“Well, Mr. President,” Axelrod said, “we're not sure exactly.  Some of our spies said they couldn't get themselves invited into the super secret meetings.”

“Super secret meetings?!” Biden asked.

“Yes, Mr. Vice President.  Unlike our party, the Republicans occasionally figure out how to keep a secret.”

“Well, how pray tell do they do that?” Biden asked.

“They just…uh…they don't tell anybody anything …outside their group, that is.”

Biden talked with a measure of urgency in his voice, “What?  They don't tell anybody?   How can you have an idea and not tell anybody?  I tell everybody all of my ideas.”

“Yes, Mr. Vice President,” Axelrod said, “I understand.   But, the Republicans don't always do that.”

“Well, then,” Biden asked, “just how are they going to get anywhere with an idea if they don't tell anybody?”

“Well,” Axelrod continued, “they'll tell everybody soon, but they'll pick the time and place to get the word out.  They’ll tell Fox News first.” 

“Fox News?” Obama asked. “Just what do you think they'll tell Fox News?”

“We don't know exactly, Mr. President, but we have an idea,” Axelrod said.

“Care to share it?” Obama asked.

“Yes, sir,” Axelrod said, “but just so you know the source may not be reliable.”

“Who's the source?”

“Mr. President, I don't know his name. My source tells me that his source has a source he calls Deep Tongue.”

“Deep Tongue?” Obama asked. “You're kidding.”

“No, sir.”

“I've heard of Deep Tongue too, sir,” Biden said.

“Well, what is Deep Tongue allegedly saying?” Obama asked.

“He, or she, is basically saying that the Republican campaign will acknowledge that you're a great guy and you're family is lovely.  But, the ad will claim that you're surrounded by activists, left-leaning enablers, and idiots who never passed basic math.”

“What??” Obama asked.

“Your advisors and Congress...they've got to go. They don't know how to stop spending money they don't have.”

“All of them have to go??”

“Sir,” Axelrod said, “I'm not saying they've all got to go.  The Republican ads will say that.”

“Is this true?”

“What's that, sir?” Axelrod said.

“That I'm surrounded by those kinds of people?” Obama asked.

“Let's give 'em all a math test, Mr. President,” Biden  said, “and publish the results.”

“David, seriously,” Obama asked, “do you think all the people around me are idiots?”

“No, sir, Mr. President.  Not all of them.”  Axelrod paused for a second to reflect on how he phrased his last response.  “On a related note I think we need a new poll, sir.”

“Won’t a new poll just show us the same results?”

“Not necessarily, sir,” Axelrod answered. “We can push an external poll out pretty quickly.”

“Push an external poll out?” Obama asked. “What does that mean?”

“Mr. President, we have an internal polling group that can put out an instant poll using their continuous polling and extrapolation techniques.”

“How do they do that?”

“Well, sir,” Axelrod said, “they use polling data that they collect every day and then they apply derivative processing to extend the results using projection algorithms and data mining techniques.   They apply historic data and then they filter the anomalies.”

“Do the news outlets use what we give them from this kind of polling?” Obama asked.

“The broadcast networks and the L.A. and New York Times are good with it.  So are CNN and MSNBC.  Fox and Breitbart ask a lot of questions though.”

“Fascinating,” Obama said.  “Tell me more about this filtering thing they do.  How do they filter out the ‘anomalies’ that you mentioned?”

“Well, sir, they eliminate any responses from fringe group members like the Republican Party or people who claim to be Tea Party members.”

“I see.  I suppose that makes sense to cut down on bias,” Obama said.

“True, sir.  And as a result of their exclusive and highly sophisticated technology their processing can predict what a larger sample would be,” Axelrod said.

“Isn’t it true that pollsters generally don’t use large samples?  What’s the difference between what our group does and what other polling groups do now?”

“Well, sir,” Axelrod said, “nothing really, except with our techniques the sample size can be extremely small.”

“How small is an extremely small sample, David?” Obama asked.

“About ten people, sir,” Axelrod said. “They often just use the people in their own office.”

Chapter 5: Logic Notwithstanding

This is Chapter Five of my epic satire called  "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe",.  I'm still waiting.   I heard that the Saturday Night Live writing staff is off at some kind of consciousness raising retreat in the Catskills...or maybe it was Tibet.  Whatever.  They haven't contacted me and there is steadily diminishing evidence that they have any intent of being fair in writing their political material.   This is all leading me to wonder about their broadcast license.  Can they continue to swing away at conservatives and ignore the astounding incompetence of the liberals without being enjoined to provide equal time?

Well, this is my attempt at providing them with some adaptable material.  They should call me.  They should.  And Alec Baldwin and George Clooney should make their plans to move out of the country after November.  As a matter of fact, I heard a rumor that their properties within the continental United States have been targeted for oil fracking.  We will have to confiscate their homes and drill.  That's too bad.  Sorry, guys.  -- Austin Speed

Chapter Five

LOGIC NOTWITHSTANDING

                   "The problem with political jokes is they get elected."

                     

       -- Henry Cate VII

Obama looked around the Oval Office.  “Hey guys,” Obama asked, “does anybody have any idea what Hillary's up to these days?”

Eric Holder said, “Right after she fell down the Capital steps and broke her tooth, she went on a D.C. Listening Tour.  She said she wanted to listen to everybody who works for the Federal Government right here in D.C.”

“What?” Obama asked.  “She's Secretary of State.  She should be overseas.”

“She doesn’t want to go overseas until she gets her tooth fixed.  That’s why she’s listening instead of talking,” Axelrod said.

“Do we know what people are telling her?” Obama asked.

Axelrod said, “One of the things they're telling her, sir, is that if the New York Times and ABC, NBC, and CBS had done their jobs on Edwards she'd be president.”

Biden added, “Did we really have to invite Hillary to join the cabinet?”

“Joe, the Democratic Party is a big tent.  Room for everyone,” Obama said with a fairly insincere smile.

Biden answered, “I’m not sure it’s that big. A friend of mine over at Defense called to say she paid a visit to let them know they work for her.”  

“Really?” Daley said. “Next thing you know she’ll claim Health and Human Services is part of the State Department.”

“Sebelius said that she’s already been over there,” Biden said.

“David, could you get one of our people to tag along with her?” Obama asked   “Does anybody know where she’s going today?”

Axelrod said, “She's over at Homeland Security this morning and visiting the Fed this afternoon.”

“Eric, get somebody going on this from a legal perspective.  Maybe you should look into it yourself,” Obama said.

“Yes, sir, Mr. President,” Holder responded.

“I’m thinking that some of our problems with Hillary have to do with message discipline.  Joe, you and I need to get straight on some our messages. When you and I are out talking we need to be saying the same things.” 

“Good idea, Mr. President.  I know where we could start,” Biden said. “I've got to tell you I’m not sure I understand the financial bailout plan.”

“I know, Joe.  It took me a while to figure it out, but it’s pretty simple really.  We give money to banks to lend to people.”

“That part I got,” Biden said, “but what about the automobile industry?”

“We gave them money to keep operations going and keep union members employed.”

“That’s what confuses me,” Biden said.  “I’ve been asked by the media a number of times about who gives us money.”

“The taxpayers give us the money, Joe…Republicans, mainly.”

“Wow, I like that idea,” Biden said.

            “I do too, Joe,” Obama said.  “But, I've been thinking that we're still not getting our message out there.  We need to go on a kind of Listening Tour of our own.”

            “That's a great idea,” Biden said.  “I love to listen when I’m not talking.”

            “But, we need to call it something else,” Obama said.  “Hillary already used 'listening tour' when she ran for Senator. We don't want to be accused of just copying Hillary.”

            “How about a 'thinking tour'?” Biden asked.

            “Hmmm.  Sounds pretty quiet," Obama said.

            “What about a 'think and talk' tour or a 'talk and think' tour?” Biden asked.

            “When do we think and when do we talk?” Obama asked.

            “We'll talk most of the time and we'll think while the other guy is talking,” Biden said.

            “Hmmm, let me think about that.  We probably need to call it something else,” Obama said.

            “Do we need to take Pelosi along this time?” Biden asked.  “Her approvals are in the basement and sometimes the things she says don't seem...I don't know...very smart.”

            “We've been talking about that, Joe.  David and I agree that we need to distance ourselves from her,” Obama said.

            “Maybe that's the best reason for going on the tour… to get away from her.”

            “Ssssstttt  Dddddnnnnnt,”  the intercom blared, “tttttttttttt  mmmmnnnnn sssseeeee pllllllllllllssssss.”

            Obama glanced at Axelrod.  “Uh, Mr. President, Congresswoman Pelosi is on the phone, I think,” Axelrod said. 

            “Wow.  We must be psychic.  Okay, I'll take it.”

            Pelosi's voice came through the speaker phone.  “Mr. President, how are you?”

            “Couldn't be better, Madam Speaker.  What can I do for you?”

            “I need some help with the C.I.A.   Before we get there, though, could I ask you please not to call me ‘Madam’  anymore?  Since Barbara Boxer unloaded on that general we women all have to line up and be consistent.  ‘Madam’ sounds old or sounds like some kind of owner of a brothel. Besides, I’m not the Speaker of the House now.”

            “I'll try to remember that, Congresswoman Pelosi.  Now, what's up with the C.I.A.?”

            “Well, Petraeus over there is just not playing along” Pelosi said. “We're trying to ram a poker up the Bush administration's ass with the water torture thing and he's saying I knew all about it.”

            “As I recall, and I'm just trying to remember the details Congresswoman Pelosi, but you were briefed on the water boarding technique and its planned application.  By the way, with the Democratic Party not being in the majority anymore in the House I can’t help but wonder about what you can do at this time about this torture issue.”

            “Well, Mr. President,” Pelosi said, “first of all, my staff members were briefed and my chief of staff briefed me. And secondly we want to open an Attorney General's investigation into the torture allegations.  He still works for us doesn't he?”

            “He does work for us.  But let's get back to the briefing issue.  You were briefed were you not?”

            “Mr. President, I was not briefed by the C.I.A.  I was briefed by my staff.”

            “Honestly, I don't understand,” Obama said.  “But, you knew about the water boarding, didn't you?”

            “Mr. President, it's like anything else with the Bush administration.   They briefed you on stuff, and then they actually went and did what they said they were going to do.  Nobody believed they'd actually do what they said they were going to do.   Besides, I was going in for an adjustment that day and was distracted.”

            “An adjustment?”

            “Yes, Mr. President, my surgeon was tightening up my jaw line in the afternoon.  It was beginning to show some sagging in profile shots.”

            “I hadn't noticed that, Congresswoman.”

            “Well, thank you.  He does good work. He's in Beverly Hills.  He does Joan Rivers from time to time.   A couple of times a year, I think.”

            “I see,” Obama said.  “So let me make sure I understand this.  You were in California and were debriefed by your staff.  Is that right?”

            “Yes.  So you see, Mr. President, I couldn't possibly remember that the C.I.A. actually briefed the water boarding thing with any real idea that they would actually use it.”

            “Well, Congresswoman Pelosi, I'll call David and see what's going on, but you may have to issue a statement about your own scheduling problems that day.” 

            “Thank you, Mr. President.   Could I trouble you with one other thing?” Pelosi asked.

            “Sure.”

            “We're thinking of starting up a campaign against having too many children.  We want to release some ads.”

            “Too many children?” Obama asked.  “What will your ads say?”

            “Our test ads let people know how much an average child costs,” Pelosi said.

            “How much they cost?  You're telling people how much it costs to have children?”

            “Yes, Mr. President. Children cost money and that cuts down on our tax revenue,” Pelosi continued.  “You know – the number of exemptions and all that.”

            “Well, I don't do my own taxes,” Obama said. “So I'm not sure what exactly you're planning on telling people.”

            “We're telling them that children represent costs and we need to cut down on costs.  You know what's going on with the budget.  I think the Budget Super Committee looked at the idea of cutting down on the number of children in the country.”

            “Really?” Obama asked.  “I didn’t hear that they had looked at that idea.  Anyway, if people stop having children where will we get voters and people to serve in the military?”

            “Oh, Mr. President, we get enough voters and enough soldiers from immigration.”

            “Are you saying that we're winning wars and winning elections because illegal immigrants are voting for us?

            “Mr. President, there are no illegal immigrants.   At least, that's what our next bill will say.” 

            “What bill is that?”

            Pelosi said, “We're calling it the 'Two Weeks Feet Dry' bill.  If you get to the United States, and you get a receipt from a MacDonald's or something to prove you got here, and you manage to evade the INS for over two weeks you are home free.  We're asking you to please sign the bill next week when it hits your desk.”

            “We'll have a look at it, Congresswoman Pelosi.  Thank you.”

            “We’ve got one other bill we would like you to consider signing, Mr. President,” Pelosi said.

            “Okay, what is this one?” Obama asked.

            “It’s the Buffet Subsidy Bill.”

            “A buffet subsidy bill?” Obama asked.

            “Yes, Mr. President,” Pelosi answered.  “Everybody knows that people who eat at buffets consume a lot more calories and don’t live as long.  We think this should be part of our plan to cut down on Social Security and Medicare benefits.  By subsidizing buffets, people will die sooner.  Less benefit money is paid out.”

            “But won’t this idea disable more people?” Obama asked.  “We’ll have to pay for their hospitalization.”

            “We’ll subsidize buffets in hospitals and rest homes and encourage the people there to eat a lot.  That way their lives will be cut short.  We’ll save on costs and while they’re killing themselves with food they’ll eat like kings and queens. Farmers and food producers will sell more food.  It’s a win-win situation.”

            “Well, okay Congresswoman Pelosi, we’ll look at that bill too.”

            “Thank you, and good bye, Mr. President.  Say 'hello' to Michelle for me.”

            President Obama disconnects the call. 

            “That woman's going to cause us problems,” Biden said.

Chapter 4: Pardon Me, Bill

This is Chapter Four of  "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe", my political satire.  The Saturday Night Live writing staff is off for the summer so I don't expect to hear from them.  They've got to have time off to go to all those hip New York hangouts, complain about Romney and Palin and the Republicans, and drown their dishonest approach to their jobs with a lot of alcohol.  I'm still open to running a bootcamp for them.  Their discipline is obviously lacking, at least on one side of the political spectrum.  Actually, they aren't all that funny about Republicans and Romney.  The dog was funny. Sudeikis, not so much.   

Enjoy this next chapter and let's get to work.  Tell your friends.  Tell 'em, "friends don't let friends vote for Obama."   And if Lorne Michaels is a friend of yours have him give me a call before he falls off the cliff right in front of his writers.  -- Austin Speed

Chapter Four

PARDON ME, BILL

             "Politics-- n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.”

                                                   -- Ambrose Bierce,

                                                     “The Devil’s Dictionary”

“Zzzzzz Lllllll Klllllnnnnn Sssssrrrr Pssssdttt,” the intercom announced.

Obama shrugged his shoulders and looked at his entourage.  David Axelrod, who seemed to have an uncanny ability to interpret the intercom static patterns said, “I believe President Bill Clinton is here to see you, sir.”

“Oh, yeah.  He is on the schedule.  Some campaign strategy discussion, I think,” Obama said.

Obama walked over to the Oval Office door and opened it himself.  Bill Clinton was talking to the President’s secretary.

“Well, June,” Bill Clinton said, “those pearls really set that suit and that blouse up well.  You look great.  It’s good seeing you again.”

“Bill, how’s it going?” Obama said and extended his hand.

“Great, Barack.”  Clinton took Obama’s hand and pulled him in for a hug which Obama reciprocated awkwardly.  “It’s good to see you.”

“Come on in,” Obama said.

Holder, Axelrod, and Daley exchanged pleasantries with President Clinton.

“Bill, to what do we owe the pleasure?” Obama said.

“Well, Barack,” Clinton answered, “I have some ideas for your campaign that should help you out of some of the polling problems that you have.”

“That would be welcome, Bill.  We’re all ears.”

“This is pretty powerful stuff.  I want to make sure that we keep this among ourselves,” Clinton said.

Everyone nodded or said “Sure” to Clinton’s request. 

“Well, what we’re talking about here is a revolutionary message delivery approach.  It’s all about telling specific categories of people the precise messages that they want to hear.”

“Who developed this, Bill?” Obama asked.

“Well, Barack, my foundation has a research arm that worked on this. I’ve got to tell you the test results are outstanding.  It’s ready to go into broad application.”

“Intriguing.  Tell us more,” Obama said.

“Well,” Clinton said.  “we call this High Precision Demographic Communications.  We identify specific categories among segments of the voting population and, using social media and internet based communications, deliver the right messages to the right people.  It’s very powerful and very seductive.  It works so well it ought to be illegal.”

“How’d your group develop the process?” Obama asked.

“We stumbled across a theory that seemed ready for application to a larger effort like a presidential campaign.  The theory is a way of identifying specific categories of people that translate to specific message requirements.”

“Where’d this come from, Bill?” Obama asked.

“You’ll never believe this, but it was a website selling DVDs for techniques to meet and seduce women.”

Everyone sat quietly and let this one sink in a bit.

“The theory is the thing, though.  We won’t be seducing women, but we will be seducing voters.  We’ll use some of the same techniques.  The first thing you do is ask people three simple questions and by the time they finish answering you’ll have the message track you need.”

“How did you and your folks test this, Mr. President?” Axelrod asked.

“Oh, David, that’s interesting,” Clinton said.  “I tested it myself.  I had the Secret Service bring women over to me and I tested them.  It worked.  It worked every time.  It worked so well I almost got bored with it.  Hundreds of them.  It’s really powerful.”

Holder, Axelrod, Daley, and Obama sat with stunned looks on their faces.

“I can apply this to your advantage.  You’ll get wonderful poll results,” Clinton said.

“Well, Bill, how can we make this work?  How many categories can there be?” Obama asked.

“Well, theoretically there can be a couple of hundred.  Affluent women alone can be put into about seven or eight categories.”

“That’s a lot.  So we have to tailor our messages to appeal to a couple of hundred categories of people?  Sounds complicated,” Obama said.

“That’s the theory, but we don’t need to go that far.  Think of it this way.  You’ve pretty much got the Blacks and Latinos and Muslim men locked up.  The Jews will vote Democratic even if they have to hold their noses.  What we’ve got to do is keep the women in your camp and even increase their numbers.  From the numbers I’ve seen you’ve lost a lot of independent women if the election were held today.”

“That seems to be true today,” Obama admitted.   “We have a program to work on that.”

“Well let me do that for you.  I can do that.  I need about twelve million,” Clinton said.

“Twelve million?  Dollars?  What are you proposing exactly?” Obama asked.

“We’ll send advanced teams into the key swing states and get the women back on your side.  My guys go in and establish the categories and I work with the key female leaders in each group to start the turning process.”

“When do you need the twelve million?” Obama asked.

“Well, Barack, we need to jump on this right away.  This will take time. There are a lot of influential women out there,” Clinton said.

“That’s true,” Obama said. 

“If we do this right, you’ll have blacks, Latinos, Asians, Muslims, and women in your pocket.  You won’t need a single white male vote to get re-elected.”

Axelrod and Daley raised their eyebrows.

“This is great, Barack,” Biden said.

“True, this is a fascinating idea, Bill.  I tell you what. David and I will work on lining up the financing.  I appreciate you dropping by.  We’ll get funding to you right away.”

“I think you’ll be pleased.  This will put the election in the bag.”

Everybody stood up, shook hands, and said their goodbyes.  Clinton walked out the door and immediately started another conversation with June and Aileen, the outer office secretaries.

“Cut a check for three hundred thousand for this, David.”

“Yes, sir, but he asked for twelve million,” Axelrod said.

“True,” Obama said. “He can help us get the rest of it from some of those influential women he’s going to…uh…spend time with.”

Chapter 3: We Shall Get To the Bottom, Or Are We There Already?

This is Chapter Three of  "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe", a political satire.  I still haven't heard from the Saturday Night Live writing staff.  I thought maybe they'd try to call me because they need some tips on writing comedy sketches about the Obama administration.  Apparently, they've just decided this is too hard and have decided to just recycle old nod-nod-wink-wink jokes about conservatives and Fox News. Now they're on summer break, I think.  If you know anybody there at SNL ask them to track me down.  I'll talk to them.  I'll tell them to get off their lazy butts and do their jobs.  After all, Obama is  the current president.  What kind of television show thinks of itself as a successful satirical platform if they don't take any real stabs at the current president?  

Let's all get involved this year and show George Clooney that his political instincts stink, and that he and his friends just wasted $15 million on the wrong guy, at the wrong time, with the wrong ideas and policies. -- Austin Speed

 

Chapter Three

WE SHALL GET TO THE BOTTOM,

OR ARE WE THERE ALREADY?

“I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.”

      

-- Charles De Gaulle

“Krrrrrk  llllddrrr, Mmmmtttttt Zzzzzzdtttt,”  the intercom blasted.

Obama looked at the intercom speaker hopelessly.  “Can anyone fix this goddamned thing?”

Axelrod said, “Sounds like Eric Holder is here, Mr. President.”

Obama hit the intercom speaker button.  “Let him in, please.”

“Sssss zzzzrrr,” the intercom crackled.

Eric Holder walked into the Oval Office.  “Mr. President, Bill, David, Mr. Vice President.  How are you all?”

“We’re great, Eric,” Obama said.  “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

“Well, sir, there are a couple of pressing issues we need to talk about.”

“I’m sure there are,” Obama said.  “How are the investigations going?”

“Ours or theirs, sir?” Holder asked.

“Theirs?  Oh, yes, theirs,” Obama said. “Congress.  The congressional investigations.  Yes, how are those going?”

“Well, sir.  The Fast and Furious investigation is not going well.”

“Not going well?”

“No, sir. They’re beginning to find out what happened,” Holder said.

“That sounds good,” Obama said sounding hopeful.

“No, sir,” Holder said.  “I don’t think it’s good.”

“Shouldn’t an investigation find out what happened?”  Obama asked.

“I don’t think we want that in this case,” Holder said.

“Why not?”

“Well we don’t want them to know things we don’t know,” Holder said.

“What is it we don’t know?”

“Well, Mr. President,” Holder said while groping for the right words, “we don’t… uh… exactly… uh… know what happened.”

“What do we not know about what happened?” Obama asked.

“Well, sir,” Holder said while looking around at everybody in the room, “uh…we don’t know what happened to the guns.  Well, to all the guns.”

“What guns?”

“Well, sir, uh…the operation was designed…uh… intended to track guns that went to Mexico.”

“That sounds good.”

“Well, Mr. President, we lost track of most of them until they turned up later.”

“I see.  At least they turned up,” Obama said.

“Well, sir, that’s not necessarily a good thing.  They turned up at murder scenes, and gunfights, and in trucks coming back across the border,” Holder said.

“How did we lose track of them?”

“Well, sir,” Holder stammered, “we… uh… sold them to dealers who sold them to the cartels.  We had tracking devices in the guns, but as we tracked them to the border the cartels, who own the Mexican customs people and who know almost all of our federal agents, they managed to detain all of our people at the border while the guns headed on south.”

“But, we could still track them, right?”

“Uh, well, sir we tracked them to a river in northern Mexico.”

“A river?”

“Yes, sir.”  Holder said.  “The cartels pulled the tracking devices out of all the guns and buried them in a tributary of the Rio Grande.   We got the devices back.”

“But the guns were gone?” Obama asked.

“Yes, sir.” 

“So how’d we ultimately get the guns back?”

“Well, sir, the Mexican government found many of the guns after they’d been abandoned at one of the dumps in Tijuana along with the bodies of a number of unfortunate victims.”

“So the guns were used to murder people,” Obama said.

“Yes, sir.  But now we have solid evidence of the violence that the cartels are responsible for,” Holder said.

“Really?  We didn’t know that before?” Obama asked.

“Well, we certainly had our suspicions,” Holder said, “mainly because of the thousands of victims that turn up every year, but now we have real solid evidence.”

Obama rubbed his forehead.  “So what is Congress’ take on this?”

“Well, sir, Representative Issa says that we don’t even qualify to be the gang that can’t shoot straight if we can't keep track of our own weapons.”

“How are we trying to position this story?” Obama asked the group.

Daley answered, “We’re telling the public and Congress that this was a complex intelligence gathering operation that yielded a lot of valuable information.”

Obama asked, “Is that selling well?”

“Well, sir, the broadcast networks and the Times and Post are okay with it,” Daley said. “Fox and Breitbart are skeptical and they’re asking a lot of hard questions.”

“Have we been trying to answer them?”

“No, sir, our normal media policy is to respond to mainstream media, CNN, and MSNBC only.”

“Okay, Eric.  What else have you got?”

“Well, sir, we’re going to have our hands full with Solyndra and some other solar panel companies going under.”

“Some businesses fail.  What’s the problem?” Obama asked.

“Well, sir, Representative Issa is saying that Solyndra was a naked backroom lobbyist deal that resulted in contributions to the Democratic Party and bills to the taxpayer.   He says the White House didn’t do its due diligence and, in fact, enabled a transfer of taxpayer dollars to people who immediately benefitted and made political contributions without many steps in between.”

“How are we handling this?” Obama asked.

Daley answered, “We’re using a number of tactics here, Mr. President. Executive privilege is one because we’re conducting our own investigation.”

“We are?” Obama asked.

“Not really, Mr. President,” Daley said. “We’re also pushing out some old dirt we have on Issa, and doing opposition research on other members of the committee.”

“Anything else?”

Axelrod said, “We’re selling surplus solar panels from the Solyndra bankruptcy liquidation to benefit the Wounded Warriors foundation.  We’re selling it as a Stimulus Plan effort that, even though the business failed, is benefitting our troops.  We’re also working on an angle to donate them to schools.  Benefitting troops and kids.  Can’t miss.”

“How many solar panels did Solyndra have after the failure?” Obama asked.

“Several million, I think,” Axelrod said.

“Several million?!  Did they ever sell any?” Obama asked.

“I don’t think so, sir.  They actually didn’t seem to have a sales force when they failed,” Axelrod said.

“No sales force?” Obama asked.  “How did they plan to sell their solar panels and other products?”

“They had a website, sir,” Axelrod said.

Chapter 2: Rahm It On In

This is Chapter Two of "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe", a political satire.  If you know anybody on the Saturday Night Live writing staff tell them to do their jobs and take some stabs at Obama.  SNL writers specifically, and all other mainstream media outlets in general, have fallen down on the job.  It's actually fairly easy to press in on the Obama administration and the impossibly illogical positions they take on health care, budgeting, national security, foreign policy, and all kinds of other issues.

Let's get involved and help Cher move to Canada. -- Austin Speed

Chapter Two

RAHM IT ON IN

“Crime does not pay…as well as politics.”

                            - Alfred E. Newman

“Rrrrmmmm Drrdddt, Naaaaan Nnnnlllll,” the intercom crackled.

President Obama looked at Axelrod, Biden, and Daley.  Biden and Daley shrugged their shoulders.

Axelrod said, “Sounds like Rahm Emanuel is here, Sir.”

“Oh, yeah,” Obama said, “he was coming by today.”  Obama punched the intercom button, “Send in Mr. Emanuel.”

“Yyyzzzz, Rrrrssss.”

Rahm Emanuel walked into the Oval Office squinting at everybody and reaching out to shake the President’s hand.  “Mr. President,” he said, “how the f*#& are you?”

“Great, Rahm.  Good to see you.”

“Dave, Bill, Joe…How are you motherf*#&ing criminals doing?”

“Great, Rahm.” “Good.” “Doing great,” they answered simultaneously.

“So what brings you in here from the Windy City, Mayor Emanuel?” Obama asked.

“Well, Barack, I’m here to tell you that I found out that Michelle wants to build a f*#&ing Leadership Academy like Oprah’s.  Michelle would like for it to be in Chicago, and the boys downtown would like that too.”

“A Leadership Academy, huh?” Obama asked. “That’s a good idea.”

“She wants a lot of f*#&ing money.  Chicago could use the project now that we're not getting the f*#&ing Olympics.  A lot of the f*#&ing leadership in Chicago was counting on the Olympics.”

“The leadership, huh?” Obama asked. “How much are they looking for?”

“Ninety six million was the last f*#&ing number I heard.”

“Ninety six million?”  Biden asked. “That's all? We ought to be able to do that.”

“What can you guys put together for ninety six million?” Obama asked.

“Oh, for ninety six million we can build a hell of an academy.  We should be able to put together a f*#&ing top notch ten room academy schoolhouse with a set of restrooms and a basketball court.  We could have a great ribbon cutting before the next presidential election.  We could get Oprah to come in from L.A. for the event.”

“Does Oprah still go to Chicago much?” Obama asked.  “I thought she laid off her HARPO studio staff and kind of shut down.”

“Well, she tried to,” Rahm answered.  “But we reminded her that Chicago is a f*#&ing union town. You can't lay off Chicago union people.”

“What if there's no work?” Axelrod asked.

“What's that f*#&ing got to do with anything?  You can't lay off union workers in Chicago.  It's that f*#&ing simple, David.”

“Okay, then,” Obama said.  “Ten rooms, huh?”

“Maybe twelve, but that’s pushing things.  Good real estate is still expensive in Chicago.”

Obama looked at David Axelrod.  “How much campaign money do we have right now?”

“About ninety six million,” Axelrod said.

Obama pondered this for a few seconds.  “Joe, tell the NSA that I want somebody listening in whenever Michelle and Oprah are talking. Tell the Secret Service, too.”

“Yes, sir, Mr. President,” Biden said.

“Also find out if there’s still some unobligated Stimulus Plan money lying around that we can divert to Chicago.”

“Yes, sir.”

“We’ll get word to you about the money, Rahm.”

“Wait.  Did you say you’ll f*#&ing get word to me?!” Emanuel yelled.  His eyes bugged out, his face reddened. Emanuel’s carotids started bulging and pulsing on both sides of his neck. “If I f*#&ing go back to Chicago with ‘they’ll get back to me’ they’ll tear my f*#&ing head off and spit down the goddamned hole.  I need a f*#&ing check and I need it f*#&ing now!!! Rezko and Ayers need the money to lay the legal ground work and get permits going.”

“Legal groundwork?” Obama asked. “What legal groundwork are you talking about?”

“Rezko and Ayers need to get some indictments spiked and some people f*#&ing taken care of.  That’ll grease the skids for the project to f*#&ing move forward.”

“Okay, okay, Rahm.  We’ll get the money put together.  Give us a couple of days, huh?  Isn’t Tony in jail, though?” Obama said.

“Yeah, well, that hasn’t stopped him from operating.  By the way, we have some additional f*#&ing things we need,” Rahm said.

“Anything for you Rahm,” Obama said. “My heart's always in Chicago.”

“Yeah, well, we could use some kind of big f*#&ing Federal project.  I'm thinking we could put the Defense Department's new retirement home for Gay and Lesbian Service People there.”

“We're building a home for retired gay service members?” Biden asked.

“We f*#&ing should.  Those people have gone through f*#&ing hell and deserve some consideration.  Besides, Rezko needs some f*#&ing project money.  A couple hundred million ought to do it.   He can paint out some of his old abandoned housing project buildings.  They’ll be great homes for retirees for a couple of years.  He also might be able to buy some of his sentence off – cut it down to a couple of weeks or so. Hell, Lohan’s been able to stay out of jail, why can’t he?  Jails are overcrowded.  He’s not a threat to the community. The guy creates jobs, for f*#&’s sake.”

“Okay, Rahm,” Obama said.  “I'll have David and the guys get to work on that.”

“One more thing, Barack,” Emanuel said, “we have a proposal for a major f*#&ing health care initiative that we’d like to start in Chicago.”  Emanuel pulled a thick binder out of his briefcase and dropped it on the President’s desk.

“So what’s this, Rahm?”

“It’s a proposal we have to open clinics and put a doctor on every block.” 

“That’s a great idea, Mr. President,” Biden said.

“A doctor on every block?” Obama asked. “Isn’t that way too expensive?”

“There are some f*#&ing costs involved,” Emanuel answered, “but, this way there’s access for everybody.”

“What if you don’t like the doctor on your block?” Biden asked.

“You’d have to move,” Emanuel said.  “But the doctor-on-every-block idea is a great idea that would f*#&ing pay for itself, Mr. President.”

“How's that, Rahm?” Daley asked.

“The doctors would report to us when people died.  That way we could stop sending military retirement checks and Social Security checks to f*#&ing dead people.”

“How would the doctors know if somebody died?” Obama asked.

“Well, we could pass a law, Mr. President,” Biden said.  “People would have to go to their neighborhood doctor in order to die.  They wouldn’t be allowed to die anywhere else.  If they do, their families would have to deliver them to the neighborhood clinic…for verification.”

“Interesting ideas, Joe.  At any rate,” Obama said, “it’s good to see you, Rahm.”

“You guys, too.  Remember, Chicago would like to be the pilot site for the f*#&ing doctor-on-every-block idea and the f*#&ing gay military retirement home.”

“Good seeing you again, you slimy lizard,” Daley said while shaking hands with Emanuel.  “Let us know if there’s anything else we can do.”

“I just did, motherf*#&er.  See you round campus.”