This is Chapter Two of "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe", a political satire. If you know anybody on the Saturday Night Live writing staff tell them to do their jobs and take some stabs at Obama. SNL writers specifically, and all other mainstream media outlets in general, have fallen down on the job. It's actually fairly easy to press in on the Obama administration and the impossibly illogical positions they take on health care, budgeting, national security, foreign policy, and all kinds of other issues.
Let's get involved and help Cher move to Canada. -- Austin Speed
Chapter Two
RAHM IT ON IN
“Crime does not pay…as well as politics.”
- Alfred E. Newman
“Rrrrmmmm Drrdddt, Naaaaan Nnnnlllll,” the intercom crackled.
President Obama looked at Axelrod, Biden, and Daley. Biden and Daley shrugged their shoulders.
Axelrod said, “Sounds like Rahm Emanuel is here, Sir.”
“Oh, yeah,” Obama said, “he was coming by today.” Obama punched the intercom button, “Send in Mr. Emanuel.”
“Yyyzzzz, Rrrrssss.”
Rahm Emanuel walked into the Oval Office squinting at everybody and reaching out to shake the President’s hand. “Mr. President,” he said, “how the f*#& are you?”
“Great, Rahm. Good to see you.”
“Dave, Bill, Joe…How are you motherf*#&ing criminals doing?”
“Great, Rahm.” “Good.” “Doing great,” they answered simultaneously.
“So what brings you in here from the Windy City, Mayor Emanuel?” Obama asked.
“Well, Barack, I’m here to tell you that I found out that Michelle wants to build a f*#&ing Leadership Academy like Oprah’s. Michelle would like for it to be in Chicago, and the boys downtown would like that too.”
“A Leadership Academy, huh?” Obama asked. “That’s a good idea.”
“She wants a lot of f*#&ing money. Chicago could use the project now that we're not getting the f*#&ing Olympics. A lot of the f*#&ing leadership in Chicago was counting on the Olympics.”
“The leadership, huh?” Obama asked. “How much are they looking for?”
“Ninety six million was the last f*#&ing number I heard.”
“Ninety six million?” Biden asked. “That's all? We ought to be able to do that.”
“What can you guys put together for ninety six million?” Obama asked.
“Oh, for ninety six million we can build a hell of an academy. We should be able to put together a f*#&ing top notch ten room academy schoolhouse with a set of restrooms and a basketball court. We could have a great ribbon cutting before the next presidential election. We could get Oprah to come in from L.A. for the event.”
“Does Oprah still go to Chicago much?” Obama asked. “I thought she laid off her HARPO studio staff and kind of shut down.”
“Well, she tried to,” Rahm answered. “But we reminded her that Chicago is a f*#&ing union town. You can't lay off Chicago union people.”
“What if there's no work?” Axelrod asked.
“What's that f*#&ing got to do with anything? You can't lay off union workers in Chicago. It's that f*#&ing simple, David.”
“Okay, then,” Obama said. “Ten rooms, huh?”
“Maybe twelve, but that’s pushing things. Good real estate is still expensive in Chicago.”
Obama looked at David Axelrod. “How much campaign money do we have right now?”
“About ninety six million,” Axelrod said.
Obama pondered this for a few seconds. “Joe, tell the NSA that I want somebody listening in whenever Michelle and Oprah are talking. Tell the Secret Service, too.”
“Yes, sir, Mr. President,” Biden said.
“Also find out if there’s still some unobligated Stimulus Plan money lying around that we can divert to Chicago.”
“Yes, sir.”
“We’ll get word to you about the money, Rahm.”
“Wait. Did you say you’ll f*#&ing get word to me?!” Emanuel yelled. His eyes bugged out, his face reddened. Emanuel’s carotids started bulging and pulsing on both sides of his neck. “If I f*#&ing go back to Chicago with ‘they’ll get back to me’ they’ll tear my f*#&ing head off and spit down the goddamned hole. I need a f*#&ing check and I need it f*#&ing now!!! Rezko and Ayers need the money to lay the legal ground work and get permits going.”
“Legal groundwork?” Obama asked. “What legal groundwork are you talking about?”
“Rezko and Ayers need to get some indictments spiked and some people f*#&ing taken care of. That’ll grease the skids for the project to f*#&ing move forward.”
“Okay, okay, Rahm. We’ll get the money put together. Give us a couple of days, huh? Isn’t Tony in jail, though?” Obama said.
“Yeah, well, that hasn’t stopped him from operating. By the way, we have some additional f*#&ing things we need,” Rahm said.
“Anything for you Rahm,” Obama said. “My heart's always in Chicago.”
“Yeah, well, we could use some kind of big f*#&ing Federal project. I'm thinking we could put the Defense Department's new retirement home for Gay and Lesbian Service People there.”
“We're building a home for retired gay service members?” Biden asked.
“We f*#&ing should. Those people have gone through f*#&ing hell and deserve some consideration. Besides, Rezko needs some f*#&ing project money. A couple hundred million ought to do it. He can paint out some of his old abandoned housing project buildings. They’ll be great homes for retirees for a couple of years. He also might be able to buy some of his sentence off – cut it down to a couple of weeks or so. Hell, Lohan’s been able to stay out of jail, why can’t he? Jails are overcrowded. He’s not a threat to the community. The guy creates jobs, for f*#&’s sake.”
“Okay, Rahm,” Obama said. “I'll have David and the guys get to work on that.”
“One more thing, Barack,” Emanuel said, “we have a proposal for a major f*#&ing health care initiative that we’d like to start in Chicago.” Emanuel pulled a thick binder out of his briefcase and dropped it on the President’s desk.
“So what’s this, Rahm?”
“It’s a proposal we have to open clinics and put a doctor on every block.”
“That’s a great idea, Mr. President,” Biden said.
“A doctor on every block?” Obama asked. “Isn’t that way too expensive?”
“There are some f*#&ing costs involved,” Emanuel answered, “but, this way there’s access for everybody.”
“What if you don’t like the doctor on your block?” Biden asked.
“You’d have to move,” Emanuel said. “But the doctor-on-every-block idea is a great idea that would f*#&ing pay for itself, Mr. President.”
“How's that, Rahm?” Daley asked.
“The doctors would report to us when people died. That way we could stop sending military retirement checks and Social Security checks to f*#&ing dead people.”
“How would the doctors know if somebody died?” Obama asked.
“Well, we could pass a law, Mr. President,” Biden said. “People would have to go to their neighborhood doctor in order to die. They wouldn’t be allowed to die anywhere else. If they do, their families would have to deliver them to the neighborhood clinic…for verification.”
“Interesting ideas, Joe. At any rate,” Obama said, “it’s good to see you, Rahm.”
“You guys, too. Remember, Chicago would like to be the pilot site for the f*#&ing doctor-on-every-block idea and the f*#&ing gay military retirement home.”
“Good seeing you again, you slimy lizard,” Daley said while shaking hands with Emanuel. “Let us know if there’s anything else we can do.”
“I just did, motherf*#&er. See you round campus.”
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