This is Chapter Five of my epic satire called "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe",. I'm still waiting. I heard that the Saturday Night Live writing staff is off at some kind of consciousness raising retreat in the Catskills...or maybe it was Tibet. Whatever. They haven't contacted me and there is steadily diminishing evidence that they have any intent of being fair in writing their political material. This is all leading me to wonder about their broadcast license. Can they continue to swing away at conservatives and ignore the astounding incompetence of the liberals without being enjoined to provide equal time?
Well, this is my attempt at providing them with some adaptable material. They should call me. They should. And Alec Baldwin and George Clooney should make their plans to move out of the country after November. As a matter of fact, I heard a rumor that their properties within the continental United States have been targeted for oil fracking. We will have to confiscate their homes and drill. That's too bad. Sorry, guys. -- Austin Speed
Chapter Five
LOGIC NOTWITHSTANDING
"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."
-- Henry Cate VII
Obama looked around the Oval Office. “Hey guys,” Obama asked, “does anybody have any idea what Hillary's up to these days?”
Eric Holder said, “Right after she fell down the Capital steps and broke her tooth, she went on a D.C. Listening Tour. She said she wanted to listen to everybody who works for the Federal Government right here in D.C.”
“What?” Obama asked. “She's Secretary of State. She should be overseas.”
“She doesn’t want to go overseas until she gets her tooth fixed. That’s why she’s listening instead of talking,” Axelrod said.
“Do we know what people are telling her?” Obama asked.
Axelrod said, “One of the things they're telling her, sir, is that if the New York Times and ABC, NBC, and CBS had done their jobs on Edwards she'd be president.”
Biden added, “Did we really have to invite Hillary to join the cabinet?”
“Joe, the Democratic Party is a big tent. Room for everyone,” Obama said with a fairly insincere smile.
Biden answered, “I’m not sure it’s that big. A friend of mine over at Defense called to say she paid a visit to let them know they work for her.”
“Really?” Daley said. “Next thing you know she’ll claim Health and Human Services is part of the State Department.”
“Sebelius said that she’s already been over there,” Biden said.
“David, could you get one of our people to tag along with her?” Obama asked “Does anybody know where she’s going today?”
Axelrod said, “She's over at Homeland Security this morning and visiting the Fed this afternoon.”
“Eric, get somebody going on this from a legal perspective. Maybe you should look into it yourself,” Obama said.
“Yes, sir, Mr. President,” Holder responded.
“I’m thinking that some of our problems with Hillary have to do with message discipline. Joe, you and I need to get straight on some our messages. When you and I are out talking we need to be saying the same things.”
“Good idea, Mr. President. I know where we could start,” Biden said. “I've got to tell you I’m not sure I understand the financial bailout plan.”
“I know, Joe. It took me a while to figure it out, but it’s pretty simple really. We give money to banks to lend to people.”
“That part I got,” Biden said, “but what about the automobile industry?”
“We gave them money to keep operations going and keep union members employed.”
“That’s what confuses me,” Biden said. “I’ve been asked by the media a number of times about who gives us money.”
“The taxpayers give us the money, Joe…Republicans, mainly.”
“Wow, I like that idea,” Biden said.
“I do too, Joe,” Obama said. “But, I've been thinking that we're still not getting our message out there. We need to go on a kind of Listening Tour of our own.”
“That's a great idea,” Biden said. “I love to listen when I’m not talking.”
“But, we need to call it something else,” Obama said. “Hillary already used 'listening tour' when she ran for Senator. We don't want to be accused of just copying Hillary.”
“How about a 'thinking tour'?” Biden asked.
“Hmmm. Sounds pretty quiet," Obama said.
“What about a 'think and talk' tour or a 'talk and think' tour?” Biden asked.
“When do we think and when do we talk?” Obama asked.
“We'll talk most of the time and we'll think while the other guy is talking,” Biden said.
“Hmmm, let me think about that. We probably need to call it something else,” Obama said.
“Do we need to take Pelosi along this time?” Biden asked. “Her approvals are in the basement and sometimes the things she says don't seem...I don't know...very smart.”
“We've been talking about that, Joe. David and I agree that we need to distance ourselves from her,” Obama said.
“Maybe that's the best reason for going on the tour… to get away from her.”
“Ssssstttt Dddddnnnnnt,” the intercom blared, “tttttttttttt mmmmnnnnn sssseeeee pllllllllllllssssss.”
Obama glanced at Axelrod. “Uh, Mr. President, Congresswoman Pelosi is on the phone, I think,” Axelrod said.
“Wow. We must be psychic. Okay, I'll take it.”
Pelosi's voice came through the speaker phone. “Mr. President, how are you?”
“Couldn't be better, Madam Speaker. What can I do for you?”
“I need some help with the C.I.A. Before we get there, though, could I ask you please not to call me ‘Madam’ anymore? Since Barbara Boxer unloaded on that general we women all have to line up and be consistent. ‘Madam’ sounds old or sounds like some kind of owner of a brothel. Besides, I’m not the Speaker of the House now.”
“I'll try to remember that, Congresswoman Pelosi. Now, what's up with the C.I.A.?”
“Well, Petraeus over there is just not playing along” Pelosi said. “We're trying to ram a poker up the Bush administration's ass with the water torture thing and he's saying I knew all about it.”
“As I recall, and I'm just trying to remember the details Congresswoman Pelosi, but you were briefed on the water boarding technique and its planned application. By the way, with the Democratic Party not being in the majority anymore in the House I can’t help but wonder about what you can do at this time about this torture issue.”
“Well, Mr. President,” Pelosi said, “first of all, my staff members were briefed and my chief of staff briefed me. And secondly we want to open an Attorney General's investigation into the torture allegations. He still works for us doesn't he?”
“He does work for us. But let's get back to the briefing issue. You were briefed were you not?”
“Mr. President, I was not briefed by the C.I.A. I was briefed by my staff.”
“Honestly, I don't understand,” Obama said. “But, you knew about the water boarding, didn't you?”
“Mr. President, it's like anything else with the Bush administration. They briefed you on stuff, and then they actually went and did what they said they were going to do. Nobody believed they'd actually do what they said they were going to do. Besides, I was going in for an adjustment that day and was distracted.”
“An adjustment?”
“Yes, Mr. President, my surgeon was tightening up my jaw line in the afternoon. It was beginning to show some sagging in profile shots.”
“I hadn't noticed that, Congresswoman.”
“Well, thank you. He does good work. He's in Beverly Hills. He does Joan Rivers from time to time. A couple of times a year, I think.”
“I see,” Obama said. “So let me make sure I understand this. You were in California and were debriefed by your staff. Is that right?”
“Yes. So you see, Mr. President, I couldn't possibly remember that the C.I.A. actually briefed the water boarding thing with any real idea that they would actually use it.”
“Well, Congresswoman Pelosi, I'll call David and see what's going on, but you may have to issue a statement about your own scheduling problems that day.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. Could I trouble you with one other thing?” Pelosi asked.
“Sure.”
“We're thinking of starting up a campaign against having too many children. We want to release some ads.”
“Too many children?” Obama asked. “What will your ads say?”
“Our test ads let people know how much an average child costs,” Pelosi said.
“How much they cost? You're telling people how much it costs to have children?”
“Yes, Mr. President. Children cost money and that cuts down on our tax revenue,” Pelosi continued. “You know – the number of exemptions and all that.”
“Well, I don't do my own taxes,” Obama said. “So I'm not sure what exactly you're planning on telling people.”
“We're telling them that children represent costs and we need to cut down on costs. You know what's going on with the budget. I think the Budget Super Committee looked at the idea of cutting down on the number of children in the country.”
“Really?” Obama asked. “I didn’t hear that they had looked at that idea. Anyway, if people stop having children where will we get voters and people to serve in the military?”
“Oh, Mr. President, we get enough voters and enough soldiers from immigration.”
“Are you saying that we're winning wars and winning elections because illegal immigrants are voting for us?
“Mr. President, there are no illegal immigrants. At least, that's what our next bill will say.”
“What bill is that?”
Pelosi said, “We're calling it the 'Two Weeks Feet Dry' bill. If you get to the United States, and you get a receipt from a MacDonald's or something to prove you got here, and you manage to evade the INS for over two weeks you are home free. We're asking you to please sign the bill next week when it hits your desk.”
“We'll have a look at it, Congresswoman Pelosi. Thank you.”
“We’ve got one other bill we would like you to consider signing, Mr. President,” Pelosi said.
“Okay, what is this one?” Obama asked.
“It’s the Buffet Subsidy Bill.”
“A buffet subsidy bill?” Obama asked.
“Yes, Mr. President,” Pelosi answered. “Everybody knows that people who eat at buffets consume a lot more calories and don’t live as long. We think this should be part of our plan to cut down on Social Security and Medicare benefits. By subsidizing buffets, people will die sooner. Less benefit money is paid out.”
“But won’t this idea disable more people?” Obama asked. “We’ll have to pay for their hospitalization.”
“We’ll subsidize buffets in hospitals and rest homes and encourage the people there to eat a lot. That way their lives will be cut short. We’ll save on costs and while they’re killing themselves with food they’ll eat like kings and queens. Farmers and food producers will sell more food. It’s a win-win situation.”
“Well, okay Congresswoman Pelosi, we’ll look at that bill too.”
“Thank you, and good bye, Mr. President. Say 'hello' to Michelle for me.”
President Obama disconnects the call.
“That woman's going to cause us problems,” Biden said.
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