This is Chapter One of "The Adventures of Barry O and Tailgunner Joe", a political satire. Because the writers of Saturday Night Live in particular, and all other mainstream media outlets in general, have decided to give The Chosen One a pass, I decided to take on the responsibility of skewering the Obama administration. President Obama's pomposity and ineffectiveness, Joe Biden's general lack of any capacity to make sense, and contributions from others like Axelrod, Pelosi, Reid, and Holder make the Obama administration a target-rich environment for satire.
Read and enjoy and get involved this year. -- Austin Speed
Chapter One
AND SO IT BEGINS
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”
- Ernest Ben
Barack Obama, David Axelrod, and Bill Daley were in the White House Oval Office discussing fundraising strategy for the upcoming campaign. They were using a highly sophisticated code system that the group had developed in case they were overheard. Obama wanted to be able to plausibly deny participating in any illegal campaign activity or campaign fundraising while on government property.
“How’s Operation Crushpublican going?” Obama asked.
“Well, Mr. President, the harvest is slow coming in this year,” David Axelrod said.
“Are you telling me that we’re behind on bringing in the corn?”
“Yes, sir,” Axelrod said. “By about forty percent.”
“Okay. Let’s get the crop bundlers to step it up. Don’t forget, we need a billion ears by next September.”
“Well, sir,” Bill Daley added, “the harvesters we have are very busy and working hard, but we have fewer of them than we did last time.”
“Hmmm,” Obama said while rubbing his forehead. “What do we have to do to get more people for the harvest?”
“Well, sir,” Axelrod replied, “it would help to kill more high profile terrorists, like Bin Laden.”
“And frankly sir,” Daley added, “we don’t have any more Bin Ladens or Qaddafis. All the rest of them have names that don’t stick. The American people only knew Bin Laden and Qaddafi. They’re gone now and the bounce we got from those wins has already receded.”
Just then a loud racket erupted down the hall that sounded like large caliber gunfire.
“Wham, ba-bam, ba-bam, ba-bam!!!”
“What the hell is that?” Obama blurted.
Two Secret Service agents pulled their weapons and headed down the hall to confront the situation. Obama followed several steps behind figuring it was safer to be close to the agents than stay behind in the office.
“Wham, ba-bam!!!”
Obama’s blackberry buzzed and he saw that it was Michelle. He decided to answer it.
“WhatthehellsgoingondowntheregetcontrolofthesituationthatswaytooloudandIcan’tconcentrateonmywebsite…”
“We’re getting it under control, hon,” Obama said into the phone.
“Wham, ba-bam, ba-bam!!!”
The agents opened the door of the office where the noise was coming from.
“Hands up!!!! Hands up!!!”
Obama looked in and saw Joe Biden with a couple of Special Forces soldiers. They were dressed in desert camouflage uniforms wearing Kevlar vests, helmets, and sidearms. Biden had his hands on the trigger housing of a belted fifty caliber machine gun set up behind some sandbags. The gun's barrel was pointed out an open office window.
“Wow, did you see that one? He had no idea where to go,” Biden said. “Just running back and forth like that. That was funny.”
“Hands up!!!” the agents repeated.
Biden looked around and saw the Secret Service agents with their guns drawn. “Okay guys,” Biden said. “Let’s stop for now.”
Obama saw that Joe was also wearing a vest and a helmet along with a set of military goggles.
“Joe, Joe! What are you guys doing?”
“Oh, hello, Mr. President. I thought you were up at Camp David today. Right now we’re firing over their heads, Mr. President. Keeping their heads down.”
“Keeping whose heads down?”
“The Republicans, Mr. President. After those last mid-terms we need to do something,” Biden said.
“True,” Obama said, “but you can't shoot at them, Joe.”
“Oh, I'm just firing over their heads, sir. The shots are just warnings.”
“Well, Michelle called and says your gun is too loud.”
“We’re almost done, Mr. President. They've pretty well scattered for now. Besides, I figured this would stimulate things a bit, seeing as how the Stimulus Package was such a dud.”
“Well, could you please stop firing?” Obama asked. “You might hit a tourist.”
“Okay, sir. I'll stop. But, I was told there are no more tourists in D.C.” Biden said, “because of the Stimulus Package and the economy and all.”
“Joe, I’m not sure I want to know this actually, but how do you know you’re only shooting at Republicans?”
“I have a spotter, Mr. President.”
“A spotter? Looking for what?”
“Well, sir, our spotter is looking for those flag lapel pins that the Republicans wear. We’ve only been shooting at those.”
“You’re saying that only Republicans wear those pins?” Obama asked.
“To the best of my knowledge, Mr. President,” Biden said.
“Well, come on down to the Oval Office with me,” Obama said. “I need to talk to you.”
“Yes, sir. What's up?” Biden asked as he took off his helmet and vest. The two of them walked toward the Oval Office while talking.
“A reporter’s calling in about our tax plan, Joe.”
“Our tax plan, sir?” Biden asked. “Hmmm…that's kind of old stuff. We haven't talked about that for a while. Let's give him the stuff from our website.”
“We tried that, Joe. He says that’s a lot of hooey. If we don’t explain it better he’s going to take us on,” Obama said. “He says he can expose a lot of ‘logical holes.’ We don’t need another distraction from the press right now.”
“I'll talk to him, Mr. President,” Biden said. “I'll tell him to call Wolf Blitzer. Wolf can explain it. He's good at explaining stuff. I love the way Wolf talks about Cheney.”
“That’s a good idea, Joe,” Obama said as they entered the Oval Office. “I want to talk to Wolf first.” Obama pushed his intercom button, “Put a call into Wolf Blitzer, please.”
“YSSSTTT, MMMMMM PSSSSSDDDDD,” the intercom replied.
Obama looked at Biden, Daley, and Axelrod. “What did she say?”
“Mmmmmrrrr Prrrrrrrdddt,Wooool Bzzzzzzz, ahhhhh pnnnnn,” the intercom crackled.
Axelrod said, “Mr. President, she said that Wolf Blitzer is on the phone, I think.”
Obama hit the button to put Blitzer on speakerphone. “Wolf, this is Barack. How’s it going?”
“Great, Mr. President. It’s good to hear from you. When can we get an exclusive?”
“Soon. Soon, Wolf. Say, I’ve got you on speakerphone here with Vice President Biden, David Axelrod, and Bill Daley. We have a question for you. We’re trying to get a gauge on how our tax plan came across during the campaign. Could you describe my tax plan to me as you understand it?”
“You want me to describe your tax plan to you?” Blitzer asked.
“Yes, Wolf,” Obama said, “as you understand it. We’re trying to see if we have been clear. We want to take the initiative on tax policy to set things up for 2012.”
“Well, Mr. President, as you know you agreed with the Republicans to extend the Bush tax rates until 2012.”
“The Bush tax rates? Oh, you mean his tax cuts. Well, that's true but that's temporary,” Obama said. “I'm going to be implementing my own tax plan after that. Do you remember what we told people my tax plan was?”
“Well, Mr. President,” Blitzer said, “you said, as I recall, you'd be raising taxes on anyone making over 250 thousand. As of the last speech Joe made where he talked about it, before the new agreement, your administration was recommending a tax hike on everybody who makes over 150 thousand. Somebody else, I think it was David Axelrod, said 120 thousand. That’s what I recall at any rate.”
“That’s just about what I was thinking,” Obama said. “Thanks, Wolf.”
“Goodbye, Mr. President.”
Obama disconnected the phone call.
“By the way, Mr. President,” Biden said, “I was talking to Barney Frank and he says we have to cut defense by another twenty five percent.”
“Did Barney say how we were supposed to do that, Joe?” Obama asked.
“Well,” Biden said, “he says we need more friends so we don’t have to prepare to fight everybody. He says that you promised that once you were elected and Bush and Cheney were out, the world would be safer.”
“Joe, next time you talk to Barney make sure he knows I’m working on that.”
“I will, Mr. President. He also says we need to get our friends to line up faster. And, they have to have their own armies and stuff otherwise they don’t do us any good as friends.”
Bill Daley said, “We could probably recruit a lot of Young Republicans, Mr. President. We send ‘em overseas to defend us and some other countries. They love the idea of defending America and our friends.”
“That’s true, Bill,” Obama said.
“One of the things that's really good about this idea,” Daley said, “is that when those people are overseas they vote absentee. Their votes won’t be counted. They won't get here fast enough.”
“How’s that, Bill?” Obama asked.
“We used to do it in Illinois all the time. Nobody wanted the military absentee ballots to actually be counted. They’re about seventy five percent Republican. So we printed them late and mailed them late and passed vote count legislation that cut off ballot counting for anything that wasn’t received by the date of the election. Sometimes we stored the mailbags in a warehouse until well after the election.”
“Those are great ideas,” Biden said. “By the way, Mr. President, Fox News is asking what, exactly, we plan to do about the energy crisis?”
“Oh, come on, Joe,” Obama said. “As long as we’re in office there is no energy crisis. Energy crises only occur when Republicans are in the White House. You have to tell them that because oil prices are up we're moving as aggressively as possible to green technology. We're developing green companies that are producing green technology and green energy to generate green jobs.”
“Well, Mr. President,” Biden said, “the guys at Fox are saying that if we don’t start doing something now we won’t be able to stop inflation from oil prices. They’re also saying that you actually want energy price inflation because at today’s prices of one hundred dollars a barrel or more oil is still much cheaper than solar energy.”
“Geeze, I hate talking to those Fox buttheads,” Obama said. “Let me think…Okay, I got it. Tell ‘em we’re talking to Pickens and Buffet and our other energy team members to come out with a plan.”
“Don’t we already have a plan?” Biden asked.
“It needs some tweaking.”
“Tweaking, sir?”
“Yeah,” Obama said. “We have to write it.”
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